Friday 17th of August 2018

logo

Home Latest Post
 Discussion Forum
Latest Posts Welcome Guest    [Login]
« StartPrev12345678910NextEnd »
 Subject :Re: My Beautifull Daughter (Where are you?)..
2013-07-14 11:07:28 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My Beautifull Daughter (Where are you?)

Beautifully said Delfina8485. You've come to recognise the most important part of the equation, that the only part you control is "you".  As difficult as the struggles of a loved one can be to understand, we have a choice in how we react. You have made that choice and I wish you well in your path.

Just as Joane, I too have found the rooms of Nar-Anon and through the program came to see my role in the chaos. I have found my peace and serenity and in so doing, believe I influenced the addict in my life to find find his.

Nar-Anon works if you work it, so work it, you worth it.

Joe

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: Is anyone still active on this forum?..
2013-06-26 07:07:06 
Joanne
Junior
Joined: 2011-05-13 18:14:04
Posts: 3
Location: Cape Town
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Is anyone still active on this forum?

Despite our suffering, families of addicts seldom receive the kind of support commonly extended to families of diabetics or stroke victims. Instead, we conceal our pain in the face of the all-too-common beliefs that addicts have only themselves to blame for their troubles, that addicts could cure themselves if they really wanted to, and that addicts’ families probably did something “wrong” to cause the problem in the first place. Many families of addicts share these views, which only add to our unhappiness.

I described my own feelings of guilt and shame about my twenty-seven-year- old son’s addiction. Watching my son throw his life away has been the most difficult experience of my life. The worst part is that I feel at fault. If I’d done things differently, he might not be where he is today, which is basically nowhere.

Important questions that haunted me for a long time, until I discovered Nar-Nanon: “What did I do that caused this problem?” and “What can I do to fix it?” I had not yet discovered the simple truth about addiction that is so hard for families to accept: You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.

I attend Nar-Anon meetings weekly for the last 3 years and if it wasn't for that, I would have been insane even more than now. I am still learning.

 

 

 

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: My Beautifull Daughter (Where are you?)..
2013-06-23 08:27:55 
Joanne
Junior
Joined: 2011-05-13 18:14:04
Posts: 3
Location: Cape Town
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My Beautifull Daughter (Where are you?)

I can sense your pain as I go through it as well.

IP Logged
 Subject :My Beautifull Daughter (Where are you?)..
2013-05-25 01:12:05 
delfina8485
Junior
Joined: 2013-05-04 22:32:02
Posts: 2
Location: PRETORIA
 
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My Beautifull Daughter (Where are you?)

I miss you, I miss your laugh and your beautiful eyes, I miss who you used to be...I wish I could go back when you where small and still have control of you, how I miss your hugs.

Today, I have to let go, let you take control of your life...a life that is not what I dreamed for you.  A life choice that you making, that is not a right choice, but is the one that you cannot yourself control.

I cry, every time I look into your eyes and see the emptiness, the despair, the lost...

I cry, every time I hug you and only feel how skinny you became, how empty you look...

But, just for today, I will live for me, I will not cry for you, because even thou the pain stay's with me, today I am going not to think about all these things, I am not going to wonder where are you...

Today is going to be my day.

 

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: Big Changes..
2013-03-12 12:53:39 
Junior
Joined
Posts: 0
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Big Changes

Four and a half months later (since I moved out) and I am more heart broken than before.  I have decided to officially break up with 'my addict'.  We are not moving forward.  The fights are just the same.

His recovery is obviously not going very well or at all - he gave up on the out patient program and still thinks he can do things on his own, maybe he can, I don't know and I don't want to judge him.  The only thing that hurts is that as long as he is not doing anything - the further we grow apart, the more we fight, the chance of having a future with him looks min.

I fear him.  He is extremely restless and angry all the time. What has he got himself into?  I wander what is going on but as most of you know normally people like us want to find out and we want to find the evidence.  This time I really don't want to know and I am scared and actually terrified to find out the truth.

How does he expect me to live in that chaos? He blames me for not caring or loving him.  Doesn't he know that I am loving him by leaving him? I have to protect myself, I can't take his abuse and anger. I am missing out on life. To be honest I don't know happiness when I am with him.

Even though I know I am doing the right thing, it isn't any easier or less painful. I am the owner of a very sad broken heart. And that is an understatement.

That is what these addictions do - they break homes. And now my home has finally come to that, and now I am just another case. The drugs have always won, until one day (if ever) my addict stops resisting help the drugs will continue to rip all that is good from our lives.

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: Is anyone still active on this forum?..
2013-02-13 22:06:57 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Is anyone still active on this forum?

Meant to add that the way to  get people responding is by starting a discussion chain and enlisting a response from users to the site. I trust more will share their thoughts on this topic.

Joe

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: Is anyone still active on this forum?..
2013-02-13 21:26:14 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Is anyone still active on this forum?

Hi There.

The addict in my life has been clean for many years. I attended Nar-Anon very regularly (more than 1 meeting a week) and as my serenity improved, I scaled down to today do about 3/4 meetings a month.

In the early days when the addict came into recovery, all that changed was that he stopped using, but he still acted very much like a "dry drunk".  Much of the habits formed over many years of addiction did not change overnight.

Attending Nar-Anon meetings afforded me the opportunity to share listen and learn, gaining better incite into these frequent behavioural bouts.  Over time, I learnt to deal with the one thing I have 100% control over; my reactions to how the addict behaved.

Over the years, the built up resentment, anger, fear, expectations, co-dependency, etc caused me to act in ways that was unhealthy not only for the addict, but also for me.  What I learnt over time, was to have more control over my reactions. To identify attempts at manipulation, but also to stop my own manipulation; to not fall foul to abusive behaviour by setting boundaries and applying them.

Applying knew leanings to change old, ingrained many time subconscious behaviour patterns take time and much patience to undo in us just as in the addict. I wish you would reconsider attending meetings. They helped me to get a much better grip on my life.  Today I apply the teachings in all my affairs.

Reading material I suggest would be the Nar-Anon daily reader the "SESH" book and the Alanon "Paths to Recovery".

Patience

Joe

IP Logged
 Subject :Is anyone still active on this forum?..
2013-02-08 21:15:30 
Junior
Joined
Posts: 0
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Is anyone still active on this forum?

Unless I am looking in the wrong place, it seems that no one visits this forum anymore, there has only been one post in 2013?

My mom has been clean from Crack Cocaine for just over 2 years now, but I find myself still feeling angry at her. I find that our relationship is still co-dependent and that she still finds ways to manipulate me and verbally abuse me. I am finding it difficult to deal with and wandered onto this site hoping to get some 'therapy'

She was an addict for 12 years and I still expect her to go back every day as she did so many times before.

Any advice? Reading material? My sister and I went to one Nar-Anon meeting at the beginning of my mom's addiction but then kind of just learnt to deal with it on our own. We were at school when it started so we couldn't get to meetings.

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: Friend on Heroin =(..
2013-02-02 13:38:34 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Friend on Heroin =(

Hi Jenks

So much of what you said resonate with me.  In my case it was not a friend, but a child. Also blamed me for all his issues. I too could not understand how this loving, sensitive and beautiful person can become so spiteful, hurtful and self destructive.

I never went to any NA meetings, but as a non addict, they don't allow "us" into there meetings anyway, unless an open meeting. When I found Nar-Anon, the family support group meetings I started attending these.

It took me a while to gain a clearer understanding of the issues confronting me. As you mentioned, to me it also made no sense for them to do so much harm to themselves and yet be so totally oblivious to their self destruction.

I learnt to accept that I did the best I could; accepted that I have no control over his life; that that I did not cause any of this; that my role of support must be distinctly separated from that of an enabler.

Learning to release the addict with love was easier said than done, but that it was the right thing to do is without doubt. After many meetings, I learnt many lessons and implemented what I learnt as best I could. When I doubted myself, I always had another meeting to share and learn from. Today, I am at peace with an addict in recovery that learnt he had a family that support and love him; and discovered the tools to deal with life on life's terms.

Attend a Nar-Anon meeting if there is one near. That will be the best help you can give.

And remember, all things shall come to pass

Joe

IP Logged
 Subject :Friend on Heroin =(..
2012-11-28 11:36:18 
Jenks
Junior
Joined: 2012-11-28 09:13:39
Posts: 1
Location: Johannesburg
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Friend on Heroin =(

hi there, well where do i start....my friend was in Rehab for nearly 5 months, Cedars in Durban, she has no family or friends, besides a few of us that is trying to help her.  Anycase after rehab she had no where to go, so my partner and I took her in.  She lived with us for 3 months, everything was fine, we really thought she is making a difference in her life, wanting to stay clean, etc.  she went for her meetings, and followed her program.  She relapsed last weekend Saturday, we had to kick her out of the house on the Tuesday, after she admitted she used, she got very sick, and I got suspicious, she has an apartment she is living in now.  I still offered my help to her and said i can give her moral support etc.  This whole week she has been sending me messages, saying how everything is my fault, and its my fault that she started stripping now, and its my fault she lost her job and its my fault all of it is happening to her, but all i did was try help her, that she stays on the right road...I feel so sad and hurt, and quite depressed...and now its taking toll on my partner...

My friend deleted me off blackberry, and now i dont even feel like asking her if she is ok, because i am so angry at the things that she said, i know it is just going to start a fight.  so i am just keeping away from her, im afraid for her, coz she is going to end up either dead or exactly where she was before she went to rehap, and I mean it was bad, she was prostituting at the strip clubs.  She is so talented and clever, she had such a great job after rehab that i organised for her, but they fired her now becoz of the heroin.

I dont want to give up on her but she keeps lying to me, she says she goes to meetings, but she swears me and blames me for everything, ive been to meetings with her, and whenever she came out of one she was so positive, and nothing ugly would even come out of her mouth.  So i dont think she is going to meetings....I think she is just playing her usual games again, and playing on my feelings.  I feel like we did so much for her, and this is how she shows appreciation...maybe not even so much about that, why is she doing this to herself again????  She had everything going for her....

 

any advise?

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: Just for Today..
2012-10-17 18:52:18 
Eva
Junior
Joined: 2011-07-27 12:45:56
Posts: 7
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Just for Today

JustC, you are one brave girl!

I can feel your pain and I remember experiencing the expectations when the addict is clean for a while. We so much want them to get back on track as quickly as possible.I constantly need to remind myself that addicts recover on their own pace, not mine.

Are you going to meetings? You will need lots of support and love now.

Keep on with YOUR recovery, you deserve to be happy again.

All my love

IP Logged
 Subject :Just for Today..
2012-10-17 07:58:33 
Junior
Joined
Posts: 0
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Just for Today

I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once.  As I am about to embark on big changes by moving out in eleven days - I can not allow unrealistic expectations to get the better of me.

Another argument over another stupid reason, first thing in the morning.  Something I will never get used to.  It hurts and I don't know why I let it get to me.  This - from a clean person...I don't understand.  It was always easier to accept bad behavior when he used because there was a reason.  But since he is clean and I am moving out I have started developing expectations. And I know better than that. If I can get through today without the drama that he is trying to impose on me I am already grateful. This too shall pass.

IP Logged
 Subject :Big Changes..
2012-10-15 11:59:33 
Junior
Joined
Posts: 0
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Big Changes

 

"Nothing changes if nothing changes".  This principle has changed my life in so many ways and I want to share where I am at in my life at the moment.

I spent my weekend packing because I am moving out. I have never felt so certain about this and know that it is the right thing to do. We have decided to separate (not married, no children) after a 10 year relationship has become unhealthy and polluted with years of drug abuse. My addict is not using at the moment and has recently attempted an out-patient program for the first time ever. However our fighting is worse than ever. Although it is not about the drug use and abuse, he is still not dealing with himself properly or facing his real problems. I am so proud of him that he has reached this point, as I NEVER thought it would happen, but his journey has just begun and now I feel like I am in the way. I also NEVER thought that leaving him would happen during a time of recovery. However I feel that things are the way they are meant to be.

Our needs are so different at the moment because he needs time and space to allow himself to change and recover – and those changes must come from himself. And at the same time I need time and space to carry on with my life without feeling held back. I grew while he was sick and now if I wait for him to catch up, I will be putting my life on hold. And I can’t do that, life carries on.

I really hope that what we are doing will bring us back together, but I can’t say whether that will happen. The plan is that he gets his life together and that I spend my time healing and getting on with my life plans. Which is what I have been doing but at a much slower pace in a stressful, negative environment which has made it so much harder.

I feel like every time I put a foot forward there is a weight attached to it, literally making it harder to walk forward. Obviously with each step it has made me stronger as I keep stepping forward in difficult conditions. This has just amazed me! I never thought I would be able to pull through some difficult challenges whilst living in such a hostile environment. Of course NARANON has allowed that to happen since I first joined TWO YEARS ago :)

And now that I have proved to myself that I can achieve and succeed in tough times (or 'hell' to be more precise), I have realized it also makes me tired and I have realized that I can achieve my goals quicker without the weights. Imagine what I can be without having to pull my legs forward, I may even be able to jump, run. I don’t deserve to be tired anymore.

We still have something, my addict and I truly hope that this break will show us what we really want. I realize that no matter what the outcome will be – it will only be good. For BOTH of us. Because nothing changes if nothing changes!


 

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: Still Trying to Post.....
2012-10-11 13:54:00 
Junior
Joined
Posts: 0
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Still Trying to Post...

The sooner the better.  Living with an addict is hell and the minute you are strong enough to do the things that you need to do, in order to protect yourself and live less of a hell life, then good on you.  If it means asking the addict to leave then so be it.  Please note that you do not need to do it with anger, rage and fits, but being firm, assertive and being able to stand by your decisions and boundaries is a skill worth learning - which can be learned right here in naranon.

The point is ALWAYS to turn to yourself rather than the addict.  Look within, learn and grow, live your own life.

 

IP Logged
 Subject :Positive Thinking..
2012-09-18 20:58:25 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : First Aid
Topic : Positive Thinking

A negative mind creates negatives from  a positive message, while a positive mind extracts positives from a negative message.

Reading this line today made me think of how I felt when I first came across Nar-Anon. No matter how logical the message, I was in such a dark place I could only see the negatives.

Today I have much gratitude for having stayed the course.  After attending many meetings and gaining incite into the true meaning of 'being the change you want to see' my life and that of the addict has changed much for the better.

Forever grateful to the program.

Patience is truly a virtue.

Joe

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: Drug abuse in 16 year old boy, some advice?..
2012-09-10 21:35:01 
Eva
Junior
Joined: 2011-07-27 12:45:56
Posts: 7
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Drug abuse in 16 year old boy, some advice?

Hello Annukai

My 3 children also had to go through the trauma of divorce. I remember that I initially expected them  to side with me against my ex, whom I was tempted to blame for everything that went wrong in our lives, including the addiction of one of my children. Only when I started to realize that I can only change myself and only can take responsibility for my own actions did I get some positive outlook back into my life.

Your boy is still a minor and lots of responsibility lies on your shoulders but he is ultimately responsible for his own actions.

But if your ex allows him to consume "other stuff" and that stuff is illegal, a social worker or legal action might be appropriate  and called for indeed.

If you can, get to Nar-Anon meetings where you find people who understand your burdens because many of us experience similar situations.

It would be great if your son could experience the fellowship and mutual support of Narcotics Anonymous or Narateen where people will accept him without prejudice.

Be strong girl, for yourself and the boy, never give up hope.

You are not alone!

IP Logged
 Subject :Drug abuse in 16 year old boy, some advice?..
2012-09-09 22:47:39 
Junior
Joined
Posts: 0
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Drug abuse in 16 year old boy, some advice?

Good day
I would like some advice if possible. My 16 year old boy was recently caught at school smoking weed(dagga). I knew he had a problem smoking cigarettes and I confiscated what I found and also controlled his allowences. I am divorced and the kids don't see their father that often as he has no interest to take them. (doesn't even want to set up a parenting plan)
This weekend (09/09/2012) was only the second weekend this year that he took them. When he brought them home, I discovered that that my ex husband bought cigarettes for my son and also allowed him to smoke hubbly and other stuff while visiting him.
I was so angry, I mean the child has had a problem in the past, surely this is not how a parent should act? So I took the cigarettes and I tried to have a civilized conversation with my son, but he replied that his father said he was old enough to make such decisions for himself. Am I over reacting?
I didn't know what to do so I called childline, who said that she would get a social worker involved.
This is not the first time it happened, my ex huband allowing the kids to have alcohol and smoke. I don't want to keep the kids from their father, but why is he doing this?
Do I wait patiently for the social worker? I feel like I should do more, I just don't know what.
IP Logged
 Subject :Re: Still Trying to Post.....
2012-08-01 19:11:44 
Eva
Junior
Joined: 2011-07-27 12:45:56
Posts: 7
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Still Trying to Post...

Hello Chaad

I have an addicted daughter.

I came to accept that, as an adult, she has to make her own decisions, even when they are wrong. I stopped trying to run her life for her, trying to plan for her and shield her from the consequences of her actions. I don't know if it's a good thing for your son's wife to put him out. Im my case it worked. I threw my daughter out and she finally woke up to reality. Now she is drugfree for a long time and living with us again.

IP Logged
 Subject :Advise needed..
2012-08-01 12:46:54 
chaad
Junior
Joined: 2012-08-01 10:24:34
Posts: 1
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Still Trying to Post...

My son is on drugs. He is married and has children. His wife wants to put him out of the house. Is this a good thing?  

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: How can I help my addict husband ..
2012-07-19 11:35:14 
hendrit2@telkom.co.za
Junior
Joined: 2012-07-19 09:17:48
Posts: 2
Location: Cape Town
Forum : First Aid
Topic : How can I help my addict husband

Hi,

My husband is in denial that he is an addict, but is admitting that he used it and started a clean slate last week .  This is the second time.  I send him for re-hab previously and went through hell because I was literally watching his every move and belittled him, took control of him and made his life a living hell.  I had major trust issues and he wasn't making it better.  Two years later, I finally thought to let go and now this.  He distant himself from me and hardly talk about his experiences with the drug crystal meth.  I am pregnant now, under a phychiatrist and have this anger in me, like I can kill someone with my bear hands.  I felt I am the failure, an unworthy wife.  I love my husband and he means the world to me, and I know with God anything is possible

 

IP Logged
Page #  « StartPrev12345678910NextEnd »


Powered by ccBoard


The Nar-Anon Principles

Subscribe to Newsletter

Please register to the site before you can sign for a list.
No account yet? Register

Calendar of Events

« < August 2018 > »
S M T W T F S
29 30 31 1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30 31 1

Login Form




Popular Discussions

 Popular Discussions
Where are all the families??? MAKE THE CIRCLE BIGGER!!! 2010-10-18 18:34:02
Vanessa's Story 2009-08-15 10:35:20
Positive Thinking 2012-09-18 20:58:25

Latest Forum Posts

 Latest Forum Posts
Re: Help!! Dont know how to deal with addicts best friend 2018-05-25 16:57:16
Help!! Dont know how to deal with addicts best friend 2018-01-10 06:56:43
Re: Guidance through the wilderness 2017-03-24 08:53:22

Powered by Joomla!. Designed by: Free Joomla Templates, ecommerce hosting. Valid XHTML and CSS.