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 Subject :Re: Detaching with Love..
2012-03-10 14:39:15 
Junior
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Forum : First Aid
Topic : Site Maintenance

Hi All. just feeling so hopeless today. Tired of the emotional abuse from the addict (husband) in my life and his dogged belief that I have been unfaithful to him.  Yes, I know I have choices. . . I am thinking about them and saying the serenity prayer lots.

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 Subject :Re: Detaching with Love..
2012-03-10 14:38:50 
Junior
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Forum : First Aid
Topic : Site Maintenance

Hi Josef, thanks for your reply.  Maybe it's easier to withhold money from a child than from a spouse. With a spouse witholding money from him could make our children suffer.

I am going to make a concerted effort not to criticise or blame and to detach with love and to focus on the joy and meaning in my own life.  If the children have to "suffer" then so be it.  The addict has to see the consequences of his actions or is he unable to see this?  Any comments?

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 Subject :Re: Detaching with Love..
2012-03-10 14:38:27 
Josef
Senior
Joined: 2010-10-06 13:25:58
Posts: 44
Location: Cape Town, South Africa
 
Forum : First Aid
Topic : Site Maintenance

Hello Samantha

Drug abuse and financial problems go hand in hand, this is one of the reasons we call it a family illness, it does not only affect the addict.

When I stopped supporting my addict financially, she was forced to bear the consequences of her actions and not me!!!

As long as I gave her money and paid her loans, she could blissfully carry on with her journey of self-destruction.

 

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Josef
 Subject :Re: My son too is Bi Polar..
2012-02-14 10:53:58 
bipmoreorles
Junior
Joined: 2012-01-11 02:22:27
Posts: 3
Location: Oregon
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

I too am bipolar, and it is a long and hard journey for those of us with addicted loved ones, whether it is a child/adult or a marriage mate. But I am also a recovering alcoholic, and understand how our addictions becomes our demons. I came into a 12-Step program with AA when I first got sober, then I married an addict, was practicing when I married him. I knew he was, but in my innocence I didn't realize how bad it could get before it finally got better. He got clean 6 yrs. ago, and I have stopped drinking for 12 yrs. now, but I've had to redo the program over and over in my head, and each time I pick up either an AA book, or something from Naranon, I learn something new every day. I asked my counselor why I never got mad at my addict, and her response was, "....because  you are an alcoholic. YOu had the perfect situatioin" She was right, at least for a while it was good, I'd get drunk while he got high. But then I stopped drinking and started going to AA, where I finally got my sobriety. But then I still had to deal with my addicts in my life. I realized I needed more then just AA at this point in my life, and I found Naranon. It saved my life, and got me back to leaning on my HP instead of "my own understanding" or my own WILL, instead of Gods will. I still struggle with my character defects, but today I know I am responsible for them, not him, or her, or someone else in my past, just me! Naranon has taught me to look at my self when I'm upset, not my addicts. WE can find serenity even amongst their chaos! We need to keep coming to meetings, looking at the posts on this forum, and reading to gain insight! If you work the program, it works, and you're worth it! So keep coming back!

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Those who deserves to be loved the least, needs it the most
 Subject :Re: those dam emotions!..
2012-01-31 09:14:56 
Junior
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Forum : Open Forum
Topic : An old but familiar enemy

Hi Anthea,

Sometimes I wish I could stay angry as I really find it helpful to implement boundaries, however on the other hand I also cant stay angry for long.  I have this wonderful gift of being able to start again each day. I love mornings so much, they always seem to cheer me up and remind me that new beginings exist everday.  After a good nights sleep there is nothing I cant try to forgive.  I just cant hold a grudge for long - its who I am. 

Thats why when I can find the strength to be angry I try to enjoy it.  Doesnt it sound so silly? Luckily it's never for long but all humans do have a turn at being angry, even people like you and me.

Anyway its our nature that is definately taken advantage of.  Sometimes I feel like a wall that you can just bounce off.  My partner definately tries to bounce his anger off me and Im getting better at walking away so that I dont endure the abuse he tends to throw my way.  But it is difficult and it takes a lot of practice.

I learned that I dont have to be angry to avoid the agression and abuse. I can go be happy somewhere else and to someone else that wont take advantage of me - just for a moment, or a couple of hours. I have realised (although not easy) that I can choose happiness. And when I am angry for a brief moment - its also my choice.

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 Subject :Re: My son too is Bi Polar..
2012-01-31 08:47:25 
pukotee
Junior
Joined: 2011-12-23 06:29:58
Posts: 4
Location: Wolmaransstad
  
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

Thank you so much Antheaa, Hadassa and Jurgen, you all make me realise I am NOT ALONE. Jurgen, I can only imagine how it must have driven you crazy knowing your daughter was putting all these terrible chemicals into her body, we so want to protect our children, and suddenly it is just out of our control and we no longer have ANY CONTROL over what they do. Antheaa and Hadassa you are so brave to stay in your marriages, I believe the 12 steps of Nar-Anon must be such a blessing to you. I think the most terrible feeling of helplessness at this stage in my life is "How can my son do this to himself, is he not scared of killing himself, does he not feel terrible the next day". And as you all know, to try and talk to an addict is impossible as they always " in cotrol". But Bless you all and may you grow stronger and stronger each day. I love your closing Antheaa "It works if you work it, so work it your're worth it "
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pukotee
 Subject :THE 12 STEPS..
2012-01-30 20:40:59 
Josef
Senior
Joined: 2010-10-06 13:25:58
Posts: 44
Location: Cape Town, South Africa
 
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

Hello Pukotee

You asked where you can read about the 12 STEP PROGRAM to help you cope.

It is right here on the website Smile.

You find the principles of our fellowship (steps, concepts and traditions) in this link:

 http://www.naranon.org.za/our-principles

I quote the 12 STEPS (which are the foundation that restores my life back to sanity and away from the madness caused by the disease of addiction of my eldest daughter)

 

THE TWELVE STEPS OF NAR-ANON FAMILY GROUPS

 

1. We admitted we were powerless over the addict – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them

or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we

understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to

others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

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Josef
 Subject :Re: My son too is Bi Polar..
2012-01-30 20:18:10 
Junior
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Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

Thanks Antheea

I am sure I will make the best decision and I do agree with you I do still get disappointed, but never hopeless. And maybe if we move to my husband we can attend meetings over weekends that is too far to go to during the week. but for now I find strength and hope in this website and the literature.

blessings

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 Subject :Re: My son too is Bi Polar..
2012-01-30 17:43:06 
Junior
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Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

Hi Ladies I really do feel for you because you don't have a meeting to attend,once a week I can exhale and take a deep breath. Hadassa,I think you"re very brave to have taken such a big step.I hope that you make the right decision for YOU.People ask me all the time how I could possibly stay with my husband but with the program I have learned to find serenity in all of the chaos.In growing in my program I gain strength,as well as guidance from my Higher Power,taking on only what the day will allow. Pukotee,I know this is hard to even imagine with where you are right now but it was possible for me to be free of guilt.No more "what if"no more "if only".I still get angry,still am disappointed ,but not hopeless.So many on this forum came here without hope but have become an inspiration to myself and others,I shudder when I think of my first post,LOL I'll leave you with what we close our meetings with "It works if you work it,so work it you're worth it!!!"
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 Subject :Re: My son too is Bi Polar..
2012-01-29 21:06:47 
pukotee
Junior
Joined: 2011-12-23 06:29:58
Posts: 4
Location: Wolmaransstad
  
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

Antheaa, thank you so much, you dont know what it has meant to me just hearing there are other people with even worse problems than I have. I pray that your life will just get better and better as you sound such a lovely person with the patience of an angel. For the first time my heart does not feel so terribly heavy, I dont have parents anymore and really no one to talk to in this very small consertive town. The people would most probably walk a circle around me if they knew I have a son who is an" addict", and though I know there are others in this town, but the people live in denial. I have only been  here a few years and so I really feel so alone with this hurt. When the phone rings at night I always expect the worst. I will deffinatly get the 12 step programme to help me through this, I keep asking myself where did I go wrong, how did I not see it earlier, what if he dies," I am sure you know all the questions off by heart " having been  there with two of your loved ones. Bless you and will keep chatting
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pukotee
 Subject :Re: My son too is Bi Polar..
2012-01-29 21:06:28 
Junior
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Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

Hi pukotee

I got the Nar Anon literature, I ordered it and it was sent to me and it helps alot you can buy the SESH book with daily readings of others like us. My husband is also an active addict has been to rehab twice and relapsed every time. we have two young children and we left six months ago hoping that it will give him the wake up call he needed.

Well he has been through a lot is using a lot less, but is not in a recovery program, I am wondering whether we should reunite at this stage as I am not prepared to get a divorce. I do relate to you, but I agree with Antheea, there is nothing I can do to force him to go for the help I WANT HIM TO GET, MOVING 100's of km's away did not even do that. I have to tell you that I joined this website 6 months ago and also don't have a meeting close by, but I have learn't so much that I feel like I have got the strength now to try and make our marriage work , where as six months ago I was drained and close to loosing my mind.

It is really a good feeling to be free from the neurotic thoughts about the addict that you can not control and it consumes every part of your life.

Good luck to you and your son, there is hope and God will show you the way.

be blessed!

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 Subject :Re: Ny son too is Bi Polar..
2012-01-29 18:28:24 
Junior
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Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

Hi Pukotee I am still with my husband,I left him before he went into rehab and when he came from rehab I took him back.He's been clean on and off since.I have two young daughters with him.I also have a son in addiction so I can relate with the pain you're feeling.My husband and my son are two completely different addicts though.My son can be a bit stubborn and started hallucinating,wheras my husband becomes aggressive and abusive at his worse.This normally follows him going on a binge for a few days.The good thing about Naranon is that it helps you to set boundaries,starting with the smallest one and getting you to those bigger uncomfortable ones.My son is currently in recovery and we've started to get to know one another again,since his addiction became known I've distanced myself emotionally since the pain was just too much to bear.He is currently living with my Mom,because I didn't want him around my husband.Two paranoid people under one roof can be trying,to say the least. You will find the 12 steps under The Naranon Principles on this site.You can do online meetings on the International Naranon site.You can also get the literature - admin (on this site)can give you more info on this. If all else fails you have this forum to come back to,trust me,we'll be here Stay strong
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 Subject :Re: Ny son too is Bi Polar..
2012-01-29 09:55:38 
pukotee
Junior
Joined: 2011-12-23 06:29:58
Posts: 4
Location: Wolmaransstad
  
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

Thank you Antheaa for the advice, I know that they often snort the Kat at work so I am hoping to get the police to go there while they busy using the stuff. Luckily his now ex girlfriend is working there and is happy to help, that is IF I CAN GET THE POLICE TO WORK WITH AND GO there while they busy using? OYu sound so young still to have so much hurt and I am so glad you found Naranon. Are you still with your husband, it must be so difficult being married to an addict. I would join a group here tomorrow if it were possible, but unfortunately we stay in a very small town and there are no support groups here, the nearest town is 90Kl away and since I was in a bad car accident in 2006, I have not driven again. Where can I get the 12 step program, I would love to read it to help myself cope. I cannot tell you what it has been like, though I am sure you have also experienced it, My son gets violent, unpredictabel and I am afraid of him, yet when I look at him I want to cry as I cannot believe someonec an do that to themselves, his brother and sister will chat to him if he calls them but have banned him from their homes until he cleans up. It has also been awful for them whatching their brother loose all his belongings, self respect and live only for his next snort, and nothing and no one means a thinkg to him any longer. yet he still calls me often trying so hard to assure me he is OK, but I can hear he is totally high as he seems to forever be riding around and telling me things and people are after him wanting to kill him, and if I say its the drugs making him halucinate he goes mad telling me I dont care if he gts killed etc. So I really think that 12 step program would help me. May you be blessed in your long journey too and keep gaining strength from Naranon,
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pukotee
 Subject :Re: Ny son too is Bi Polar..
2012-01-29 09:31:34 
Junior
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Posts: 0
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

Hi Pukotee I did similar things to try and get my husband into rehab.Institutions were telling me if the courts ordered him into rehab he would have to go,so I called the police who told me the same story,if they don't find it on him there was nothing they could do.Eventially he did go because of an altimatum from his family but relapsed within 2-3 days of coming out.That is When I found Naranon and things started to change for me.That absolutely hopeless debilitating feeling that dominated my days and night became less of a burden.In the rooms of Naranon,by working a 12 step program you learn how to focus on you and although none of us wanted to hear the words "You didn't cause it,You can't control it,And you cannot cure it"with time we realised the truth in this slogan.I urge you to find a meeting close to you,even if it is just for the sake of being with people who truly understand,the rest will follow. I wish you much strength for your journey.
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 Subject :My son too is Bi Polar..
2012-01-29 18:39:38 
pukotee
Junior
Joined: 2011-12-23 06:29:58
Posts: 4
Location: Wolmaransstad
  
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : My son too is Bi Polar

I have said before, my son is an addict; I have told him he may no longer come here until he is clean. But it’s as if he is not registering or taking anything in. He still phones every day sometimes 3 or 4 times a day just to say hello mom, love you mom, how was your day. I just say love you too my son.

His girlfriend has left him again; she can't stand his drugging any longer. I have been told by someone that I should not say to him he is an addict it will only make him like himself even less, and get even deeper into the mess he already is in, but I feel even after all the hurt, anger and fights, I still want to try and get through to him that he has a problem, I want to say your girl has left because you are always drugged and so unpredictable and until you get help will never have a normal life, Or should I just leave it. I am trying to get him arrested so that I can force him to go to rehab, I have spoken to the police already, but they have to catch him with the drugs on him, but I think he is involved in bigger things as he is way behind on his shop rent, yet the owners of the building do nothing, are always in his shop, call him and even tell him who may or may not work there, this sounds very strange to me and I believe they are using his shop to sell the drugs and have a hold on my son. this whole thing is eating me up inside and its making me feel emotional all the time, I wish I could just not care, but I do and some days I just want to sit and cry at how he has changed, he was the dux scholar at his school, head boy, has a very high IQ, yet the young man that calls me all hours of the day and night sounds robotic and not at all like my son anymore, I feel so helpless and just hope I am doing the right thing by organising to get him arrested, I want to break that whole  ring of drug addicts and pushers.  I am so broke already from all the money he has already got out of me, sometimes he sounds so genuine, I hear a little of my old son and get happy thinking he really wants to come here as he has realised he has a problem and is going to ask for help, but as soon as he gets here, after getting money from me for petrol, he changes his whole story and says there is nothing wrong with him that he can’t handle, he is in control, then demands money again to get back home. I think when this happens he is running away from pushers or something, I am so tired of trying to get him to just admit he is an addict, has been on and off for nearly 16 years, has always managed to pull himself together just before everything comes crashing down, but I think he has gone too far this time and is using Kat and Crystal Meths, I know he cannot stop himself this time as it is nearly a year of constant use.

 I spoke to someone who works at

Reach in Johannesburg and this is apparently what they do to help get the youngsters into rehab. Any advice will be welcome. Thank you so much

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pukotee
 Subject :Re: Keeping your emotions aside..
2012-01-28 10:40:10 
Junior
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Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Keeping your emotions aside

i am felling a bit better today, he did use yesterday though, and i still dont know what to do, how do I get him to join NA? I looked at the meetings and his closest one is 2 hours drive, I also dont have Nar anaon meetings close by. How do you become a recovering addict without joining meetings?
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 Subject :Re: Some advise please..
2012-01-27 19:17:32 
Eva
Junior
Joined: 2011-07-27 12:45:56
Posts: 7
Location
Forum : Member Services
Topic : Some advise please

Hi everyone

I read the share of Maxwell and I agree with admin!

Maxwell should seek NA.

There he will learn quickly that it doesn't matter why he became an addict and how well he can justify his using.

There he will learn that it is a pattern of active addiction to blame someone else or circumstances for the addiction.

There he will learn that the key to his recovery is with himself and only he can unlock the bondage of addiction.

There he will learn that his focus should be on getting clean and staying clean, one day at a time, not to dwell in the past or the future.

 

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 Subject :Re: Some advise please..
2012-01-27 18:37:19 
Admin
Senior
Joined: 2009-01-24 07:20:07
Posts: 33
Location: Western Cape
Forum : Member Services
Topic : Some advise please

Dear fellow members of NarAnon.

The only criteria for our membership is that a member has to be family or friend of an addict. We share our experiences in order to learn from each other and encourage each other.

We had a comment from Maxwell which I was compelled to remove from the forum.

Maxwell introduced himself as the addicted husband of one of our members and seeks our comments regarding the situation in his family, describing how he became an addict.

We can encourage Maxwell to seek Narcotics Anonymous and share his experience within the fellowship of addicts.There he will get the opportunity to find answers to his pressing questions, based on the principles of the fellowship.

This forum is exclusively for NarAnon members.

 

 

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'The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve' Albert Schweitzer
 Subject :Re: Keeping your emotions aside..
2012-01-27 18:22:54 
Junior
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Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Keeping your emotions aside

Hi girls

Thanks for the encouragement

I was away for a while, we visited my husband for a month, and although he is not in a recovery program, like I want him to be, he is doing better. He used once while we were there, which really tested me aand makes me wonder if we should reunite. am I ready to face the life with him and his active addiction or I am just in an comfort zone?

He was unemployed for 4 months now and he just got an awesome job, and wants us to move there with him, the kids miss him soo much.

He came to visit for a few days before starting his new job, and he went to the Doctor today and still is not back, I had butterflies since I heard he went ther and had these thoughts that it was just a way to be alone to use!

What the hell should I do?

Live with my parents for as long as it takes for him to start a recovery program? or go with him and live in this one horse town and take one day at a time?

I really don't know what else to do to help him, I am not ready to get divorced and dont want to live apart for years.

Feel free to give any advice, I am feeling emotional !!!!

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 Subject :Re: Some advise please..
2012-01-26 08:39:01 
Junior
Joined
Posts: 0
Location
Forum : Member Services
Topic : Some advise please

Hi. I am sorry to hear about both your circumstances. And sure I think you are brave for coming here and trying to seek an answer.

Something I learned here is that the answers we seek are not much about the past but more about the future. What is it that we want and when will we be ready to take the steps we need to get there.

The way I think of it is that me and my partner both make mistakes - just as he doesn’t want to use (but does anyway) - I may make mistakes within my relationship (even though I don’t want to). The thing about Nar-Anon is that it helps us take the focus off my addict and work on myself and my own shortcomings. You see as a result of addiction being in our lives we often forgot to face ourselves and be honest with ourselves and ended up being consumed by the impacts of addiction.

It sounds like there is a complex story between the two of you and just as you have your story, your wife has hers. I imagine neither of you intended it to get to this - yet it has, and that’s ok because all have tried to cope at some point in our lives the best we knew how at the time.  

Just to share a little, my partner also started using for fun which I did with him out in the open for a while. And when it was enough for me I stopped. He also stopped using in the social sense but continued for purposes of work. He used so that he could work long hours, put in the extra mile so that he could get somewhere in his life. As with most men - all he ever wanted was success. As with everything that has happened as you are aware with the economic climate, his vulnerability, and many other factors - he made poor decisions that had resulted in him working for sharks. Unfortunate isn’t it? Well maybe if he had a clearer head he would have seen what was happening, he would have listened to my warnings. What does it matter? He was so focused on his idea (which he had the best intentions) that there was no stopping him. Meanwhile - me the poor victim sat alone. It would get to the point that when he walked in in the early hours of the morning he wouldn’t even be able to look at me. Imagine not even being looked at – not once, even though he kissed me hello.  I was invisible.  Shame poor me. I tried so hard to make him see what was happening. Only to feel hopeless. The point is - what was the point? He lost everything and we lost out years of our relationship. Did it ever cross my mind to cheat on him? Yes the situation definitely had an effect on me - although I was lucky enough to find Nar-Anon before things got that far.  I waited so patiently for that wedding ring and then ended up resenting him when I didn’t get it. I still don’t have it. He is still using.  But my life has changed!

When I came to Nar-Anon – my whole world changed.  I realised that I couldn’t make him do anything.  I stopped waiting, got on with my life and have found much serenity that I never expected.  I am in this relationship for me.  I can forgive him.  I can forgive myself.  In this programme I have learned about facing oneself and as JFT mentioned, I began my own journey that I am forever thankful for. I can’t change a thing about anyone else but I can change everything about myself. I have hope.

I can’t give you advice but I can tell you that both of you are on your own journey and the answers you are looking for will come as and when you are ready to receive them.

Good luck and I wish you all the best!

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