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 Subject :Re: Drug Testing..
2012-01-20 16:01:14 
Junior
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Topic : Drug Testing

I have yet to bring up a drug test and get any 'postive' results.  If my addict is guilty he will make any excuse (or crazy chaotic scene) to avoid it.  If he is clean he feels like his 'hard work' should have been trusted.  In short - it boils down to trust issues which we dont nearly have a handle on yet.  Again - its a step at a time.

I am basically only learning now how to tell my addict that trust is really earned and it may take a life time t oget it back, if he cant stay clean for more than 3 months at a time - he cant expect me to trust him.  And I don't.  And more importantly I'm not afraid to tell him that anymore. 

You mentioned the bank account .... My addict ended up being unemployed and his debt led to his account being suspended. So he started using mine, I thought this was great as I could get 'see' what was going on. Boy was I wrong I just got so tired of hearing his excuses.  The thing is he is either going to use or he isnt. Whether I 'see' it or not doesnt mean anything - I always know when he is using and I dont need proof.  If he wants to use - he WILL find a way and he will just get more creative to try hide it.  Now he has just opened up his own account and I am releived that I can have my own account to myself again without him seeing what is going on and without me seeing what is going on. He can keep his dirty paws to himself.

I dont know what your financial situation is between the two of you but from my personal experience - even though you cant control him from using (as you said) it is important to make sure that you are protected as much as possible and if it is possible to get your own account so that you are not dragged into a financial crisis because it is only a matter of time before there is nothing left.  I never dreamed that my addict would ever in his life end up without a job and look where he is today - unemployed.  And he didnt loose his job, he ended up working for people that used him, and its because of his drug use that he became vulnerable and didnt see what he was getting into. But thats another story.  The point is that anything can happen when you are involved with addiction no matter how nice and self respecting these addicts are.  I am concerned for your bank balance too and if I can share anything from my experience - its to protect your financial status as much as you can.  My lack of concern for money (during the time I was trying to stop snooping after his every move) in the past has left me feeling so resentful and bitter at how much money the nigerians have taken from me and if I could do it over again I would wish that someone could have warned me. 

I dont think drug tests will help your bank balance although sometimes I keep one at home just to know that I can pull it out when the time is right.  Although - in my experience the time has never been right and it has never helped.  

Good luck Lauren - I hope you can find some peace and serenity to your strife. Just remember that there is hope and that this programme along with your higher power will get you through. 

Strongs!

JustC

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 Subject :Re: An old but familiar enemy..
2012-01-20 15:03:43 
Junior
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Topic : An old but familiar enemy

I shudder at this feeling and can sympathise with you!  I highly recommend relying on your daily reader (like SESH) or something (if you dont have one, write down some encouraging phrases that you can relate to).  Put it somewhere in the house that you can quickly read (like hide it in the loo or under your clothes) so when you feel like falling apart or become too anxious you can refrain from doing so and get that quick lift. 

It sounds like you have the right thought process. Its just that you now have to the 'practical'.  I wish you the best of luck! Let us know how it goes. 

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 Subject :Re: Privacy..
2012-01-20 14:51:43 
Junior
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Topic : Privacy

If I learnt anything here - its that its not always about them (the addict) which is how we might feel when beginning this program, but it is about YOURSELF.  What do YOU want to do?

I ended up telling all the people (in time) that mean something to me and who support me.  I felt that people couldnt support me if I wasnt honest with them.  This included my parents, who are the least judgemental people and who always stand by what I want :)  We dont talk about it all the time but when things go through a rough patch - they understand what I am dealing with. My parents really like my partner and no they dont understand everything but thats ok.  At least they understand some logistics like why his good salary was never enough, and why we havnt had enough money to get married.  It takes pressure off me of having to explain things.  Things are what they are and thats the end of it.

I believe that if I ever told his parents that would be the end of his relationship with them. So I choose not to for now.  It is not my decision to decide how his life should turn out.  

I started with telling him that I went to naranon meetings - he just refused to acknowledge it but I went every week anyway.  Now every now and again I mention someting to him about it and he listens.  Im not sure what any of it means to him but thats ok too.  The important thing is that I have the support systems in place that I need to be able to deal with the effects of his drug use.  

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 Subject :Re: Cocaine and link to feelings of Suspicions..
2012-01-20 14:34:21 
Junior
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Topic : Cocaine and link to feelings of Suspicions

In my experience, the guiltier my addict is the more I 'do' wrong.

One day he accused me of downing drinks and drinking on the sly at a get-together at our house.  It was only when it got this extreme that I realised the insanity of the situation because when you know that you did nothing of the sort you start to see the craziness in the addict.  At first I questioned certain things about myself, whether I was drinking inappropriatley etc. You see when you engage in 'normal' social occassions they always seem to be pleasant and innocent whereas where is a problem lurking such as addiction, they always end up in chaos no matter what.  And of course everything was always my fault.  I hated his accusations so much and got so tired of trying to fight my case that I was infact normal that I gave in and basically stopped having fun. I did not go out with my sister anymore, I lost the few friendships that I had, I stopped drinking, gave up smoking, started exercising, improved my performance at work, took on more home responsibilities...gosh I basically became perfect.  However the accusations didnt stop they just changed.  Now I was accused of being too perfect, better than everyone else. And when he didnt have anything to pin on me, he would start pinning things on people around me! 

Sadly my behaviour caused me to feel uptight, alone and extremely unhappy.  All I had wanted was the false accusations to stop!  I finally realised that I had made a terrible mistake and decided to keep being the things I wanted and to abandon the rest.  Needless to say I still dont smoke, but I do drink, I run and I try to make time for people that I care about whether he likes it or not.  My life changed for the better with the help of this programme.  He does not like all of my decisions but thats ok because this time I realise that as long as he uses he will have a problem with something. When he is clean - its simple - we dont fight because life is normal. 

I came to realise that I am good enough just the way I am.  I naturally strive for improvment - and thats enough. Its better to have a problem or two than to try to be perfect.  We are all human beings trying to do the best we can. I prefer to be normal which means making mistakes sometimes.  It helps me to understand that when he uses (even though I dont condone it) he is 'making a mistake' just as we all do in one way or another.  It helps me to accept my addict.  When he makes a mistake - thats what it is - a mistake, its wrong and its his problem. And even more importantly when I make a mistake - it is my problem, not his. And when he falsey accuses me of something, I realise that it is his own guilt and not mine.

So yes I do beleive that they become delusional - to the point that they actually believe themselves.  What I have learnt from this is to remain true to yourself from the start and not to let their problems infect your life.  You are normal even though you are not perfect, you are not better than them and may also make mistakes sometimes. 

To state the obvious drugs are toxic and poisonous and yes it distorts their thinking and behaviour drastically.  It is important to remember that it is not WHO they are, it is an effect of the drug. So oftentimes things dont make sense, and you may find yourself wandering 'why'.  If you get sunburned - we know its beacuse we were in the sun too long without protection - we dont ask 'why'. When an addict uses - their bad moods and 'delusion' are like sunburn.  It is as a result of their actions.  Just the same we shouldnt ask why or how but just ride it out.

I hope my story will help someone in a similar situation - and even though you might have to go through it yourself and expereince it differently - I hope you may go through it with a bit more strength and wisdom.

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 Subject :Re: An old but familiar enemy..
2012-01-20 07:48:34 
Junior
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Topic : An old but familiar enemy

 

 Hi Anthea

Like Nar-Anon teaches "Let Go and Let God". Trust your Higher Power with all your might.

I have learnt not to make excuses for anyone anymore. I cant control what they do.

I am not ashamed anymore. I make a concious effort to remember that only I can make me happy if I chose to do so.

Go and enjoy your daughters' party and be happy with her. Both of you deserve that.

Will keep you in my prayers.

 

 

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 Subject :An old but familiar enemy..
2012-01-19 22:58:49 
Junior
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Topic : An old but familiar enemy

Like most here I am familiar with the isolation that addiction brings. The shame,the fear of judgement,the anxiety.. My husband and I had quite a social life before his addiction became known to me.We had friends over regularly,attended functions together,all of which no longer happens.With the help of Naranon and my Higher Power I slowly started doing things that made me happy again.The fear of the unknown became less and I really do try to live one day at a time. This weekend however,will be the first time in years that we have people staying over.They know about my husband's addiction but obviously spend short periods of time in his company.I've warned about his mood swings and since they're coming with their children I've reminded them that I have no control over him and they need to decide if they want their kids around that.They're adamant that they'll deal with things as it happens.Now although in the past I would not even have had the courage to bring up the topic but would have been biting my nails hoping for the best,I am still feeling anxious.My daughter's birthday is in a few weeks time and she's having a party at our house,once again anxiety.There is such tension between him and his siblings since he relapsed after coming out of rehab and a part of me almost don't want him to be there but I realise that this would be selfish of me.I just wish that I could shake this feeling,I realise that I don't have control over him and that doing these things form part of my recovery,taking my life back,but.. I guess all I can do is have no expectations but hope for the best. Good night all xoxo
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 Subject :Re: Privacy..
2012-01-19 21:02:29 
Blossom
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Topic : Privacy

Hi Lauren, yes, you must do what you feel most comfortable with.  I have found, from working with children, that they are incredibly intuitive and so they can probably tell that something is not right, even if they are not sure what.  Best of luck and try getting to Naranon meetings if you can.
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 Subject :Re: Privacy..
2012-01-19 13:01:57 
Junior
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Topic : Privacy

HI Blossom, thanks for that.  Our 3 kids are aged between 12 and 21 and I would particularly not like the 12 and 18 years old (both boys) to know of their Dad's addiction.  The 21 year old (girl)  may suspect, but I don't feel the need for her to know either.  I am hoping my husband will come clean soon.  I am almost at the end of my tether due to the financial drain.
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 Subject :Re: Cocaine and link to feelings of Suspicions..
2012-01-19 11:52:24 
Blossom
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Topic : Cocaine and link to feelings of Suspicions

HI Lauren, drugs do mess up a person's mind in both the short and long term.  Maybe it will be good if you can go for counselling and get to Naranon meetings.
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 Subject :Re: Privacy..
2012-01-19 11:49:23 
Blossom
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Topic : Privacy

HI Lauren, I have a couple of people in my life that use drugs a lot.  One of them is totally open with everyone about it.  She won't say she is addicted, but openly talks about how much she enjoys using drugs, even putting it on Facebook!  The other person feels ashamed and guilty, and that is why he doesn't want people to know that drugs are a big part of his life, he doesn't talk about it.  He is also adamant that he is not an addict like "them", and that "they" are "lower" than him.  I feel that neither of them has come to terms with the fact that they are dependent, and that their dependency is a downward-spiralling problem, although they handle the topic of their drug use very differently.  I feel that if a person cannot say "I am x" that they have not come to terms with it.  It doesn't matter who they say it to and they don't have to say it to everyone. Infact, it might not be good to say it to many people because of the judgmental response they might get.  However, I don't think it's enough to only admit it to themselves and they must not confuse dishonestly withholding information with discreetly keeping information from someone.  Do you guys have kids?  I was reading suggestions of how to explain drug use to children, and it suggested telling them that mommy/daddy is using bad medicine.  Try get to a Naranon meeting if you can.
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 Subject :Cocaine and link to feelings of Suspicions..
2012-01-19 10:23:53 
Junior
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Topic : Cocaine and link to feelings of Suspicions

Has anyone had any experience with an addict's cocaine use and it making the addict suspicious and even paranoid or delusional?  My husband is the addict in my life and he uses cocaine.  He is convinced I have had an affair and has evidence that could make one suspicious.  I do believe though, that if he was not on cocaine, he would have accepted my explanations and believed me for the innocent and faithful person I am. 
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 Subject :Re: Privacy..
2012-01-19 10:12:13 
Junior
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Topic : Privacy

HI Blossom

 

I have another question: are you saying that if my husband does not want anyone to know, it means that he has not come to term with his addiction?

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 Subject :Re: Privacy..
2012-01-19 10:10:18 
Junior
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Topic : Privacy

HI Blossom

 

Thanks for these very salient points. I have 3 very close and wonderful friends (some from my school days and I am a woman of 49) yet now that I think about it, I would only trust one of them to keep the  information to herself.  I hear what you say about the burden of keeping to oneself but in a way sometimes it is easier to have noone knowing as when things are ok one can feel that life is normal.

 

 

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 Subject :Re: Drug Testing..
2012-01-19 10:02:00 
Junior
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Topic : Drug Testing

Hi Blossom

 

Thanks for the reply.  I cannot ignore his drug use as I "see it" on our bank statement all the time.It is affecting our financial situation terribly.  I am at my wits end what to do about it. We are battling to pay all expences and there is this constant drain on our financial resources from his drug use.  

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 Subject :Re: What does it mean to enable?..
2012-01-18 20:41:58 
Blossom
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Topic : What does it mean to enable?

Someone said to me that enabling is doing for the addict what they should do for themselves.  Someone else said that we enable if we do things to prevent the consequences of addiction from running their course. I find it hard to differentiate between enabling and supporting. 
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 Subject :Re: Drug Testing..
2012-01-18 20:36:52 
Blossom
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Topic : Drug Testing

I'm not sure if anything I do can motivate an addicted person to stay clean.  The 3 cs say we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.  We can, however, support sobriety.  Is drug testing supporting sobriety?  I don't know.  I haven't been in that situation.  In my case, I have decided that the best approach is for me not to even know if and when he is using, because that is his journey, and because I get too upset if I know the details of his drugging activities.  So for me, drug testing would interfere with my peace and serenity and I'd rather not have anything to do with it.
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 Subject :Re: Privacy..
2012-01-18 20:33:09 
Blossom
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Topic : Privacy

HI Lauren, I experienced a similar situation, where I found I had to lie to protect the other from being found out by his friends and family.  I was not comfortable with this situation, because my values had to be compromised to protect his.  Not being able to share my concerns about his addiction was also a huge burden on me. I decided to set a boundary for myself that I will not compromise my values for anyone else.  This means that I will be honest, exercising discretion at the same time.  I still have not told his family about his drugging, but if they ever ask me again, I won't lie.  The same goes for his friends and colleagues.  I will not allow his life of lies to become my life of lies. He has not come to terms with his addiction, but I have.  I have decided that for my situation, the best approach is not to proactively tell them about his drugging unless they ask me.  As for my closest friends, I have told them because I know they are discreet and can be trusted.  You will need to decide what is the best approach for your situation.  If you can attend Naranon meetings and get a sponsor, or phone the hotline, you have the opportunity to share with a different sort of friends.  They are not friends in the sense that you socialise with them, but they are friends in the sense that they are going through the same thing as you and can empathise.
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 Subject :Re: What does it mean to enable?..
2012-01-18 17:51:25 
Junior
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Topic : What does it mean to enable?

Hi Lauren I can tell you what enabling means to me if you will allow me.It means that I don't take on my addict's responsibilities like paying his bills,it means that I don't prevent him from suffering consequence,like calling his boss to make excuses for him not being at work or trying to make payment arrangements so that his things don't get repossessed.It means not arranging my life around him,like canceling on friends when I've commited to a movie,dinner,etc.Loosing my temper,having outbursts(this just gives him an exscuse to later use against me)and I could go on.I think that working on co-dependency and letting go prevents me from enabling.This is a very tall order and in some ways I still succumb to doing what I know I should not,but we're human and our journeys of healing happens over time.I do find that the more I concentrate on me and my life,the less I worry about my addict.The Serenity Prayer comes in very handy at times when I stumble.I wish you all of the strength,courage in wisdom for your journey, Stay strong
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 Subject :Drug Testing..
2012-01-18 13:31:39 
Junior
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Topic : Drug Testing

What are members' views on drug testing the addict in one's life?  Can it be seen as a positive tool in motivating the addict to stay clean?
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 Subject :Privacy..
2012-01-18 13:27:17 
Junior
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Topic : Privacy

My husband is the addict in my life and he is adamant that noone knows about his problem.  He is not in denial and is working towards getting clean.  He has said he will go to NA meetings too. With regards to his insistance on privacy:  I would find it easiser/helpful if I could tell those closest to me what the problem is but out of respect for my husband's wishes, I have never divulged the source of the problem and have always put my low moods down to other things. What do other people think about this?  Whose needs do I consider in a case like this?  His or Mine?
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