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 Subject :Re: New to the group$$..
2015-08-05 17:22:16 
Admin
Senior
Joined: 2009-01-24 07:20:07
Posts: 33
Location: Western Cape
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : New to the group$

Hi ET84.

I apologise profusely for an error while deleting spam logins. I inadvertently deleted your login details as well.

Please feel free to re-register.

So sorry for any inconvenience caused.

 

Admin.

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'The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve' Albert Schweitzer
 Subject :Re: Re: New to the group$$$..
2015-07-23 11:21:29 
ET84
Junior
Joined: 2015-07-20 19:05:23
Posts: 2
Location: Northern Suburbs
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : New to the group$

Thank you so much for your advice. Will see that I attend a meeting as soon as possible.



Hi ET84.

Truth be told, we all struggled on this same unhappy road. We plodded along until we got to the point where we were tired of being tired.

In Nar-Anon we do not give advice as each situation has commonalities but are also unique. More important, we all grow in our own time and space and eventually get to the where we "know' what we are willing to do (or not do).

My son too found a variety of reasons for his actions, and never wanted to take responsibility for any of his actions. Admittedly the fact that he was diagnosed with ADHD just confused the issue for us even more. I was all at sea in dealing with this ‘problem’ I completely misunderstood. I constantly questioned my actions, felt unsure of everything I did and lived in constant doubt. It was only after getting convinced to attend the Nar-Anon support group meetings that my road to recovery started.

I think it most important for her husband and yourself to attend Nar-Anon meetings as often as possible. The unfortunate reality is that the addict did not become an addict overnight; consequently the habits developed over time can only be understood and worked on over time. There is no quick fix to dealing with the effects of addiction.

Attending Nar-Anon support group meetings clarifies our roles in living with the addict – It affords us the space to interact with people who have all walked this path before. Here we learn we are not judged in any way; we did not cause it; change the way we communicate to “say what we mean” and “mean what we say”; recognise manipulation when it occur; understand our actions in how we continue to enable the addict’s using; stop doing for the addict what they should be doing for themselves; etc.

All these tools we use to find OUR RECOVERY from the effects of addiction have a direct and indirect advantage of positively influencing the addict to take responsibility for their own lives.

Remember, no problem ever lasts forever; it does however ask of us to make choices and take appropriate action. I took the action of attending Nar-Anon meetings and it changed my life and that of the addict forever. Today the addict in my life is in long term recovery and things have changed much for the better.

Stay positive.

 

$



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 Subject :Re: New to the group$$..
2015-07-23 10:18:27 
yusuf
Veteran
Joined: 2009-04-13 16:39:19
Posts: 92
Location: Western Cape
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : New to the group$

Hi ET84.

Truth be told, we all struggled on this same unhappy road. We plodded along until we got to the point where we were tired of being tired.

In Nar-Anon we do not give advice as each situation has commonalities but are also unique. More important, we all grow in our own time and space and eventually get to the where we "know' what we are willing to do (or not do).

My son too found a variety of reasons for his actions, and never wanted to take responsibility for any of his actions. Admittedly the fact that he was diagnosed with ADHD just confused the issue for us even more. I was all at sea in dealing with this ‘problem’ I completely misunderstood. I constantly questioned my actions, felt unsure of everything I did and lived in constant doubt. It was only after getting convinced to attend the Nar-Anon support group meetings that my road to recovery started.

I think it most important for her husband and yourself to attend Nar-Anon meetings as often as possible. The unfortunate reality is that the addict did not become an addict overnight; consequently the habits developed over time can only be understood and worked on over time. There is no quick fix to dealing with the effects of addiction.

Attending Nar-Anon support group meetings clarifies our roles in living with the addict – It affords us the space to interact with people who have all walked this path before. Here we learn we are not judged in any way; we did not cause it; change the way we communicate to “say what we mean” and “mean what we say”; recognise manipulation when it occur; understand our actions in how we continue to enable the addict’s using; stop doing for the addict what they should be doing for themselves; etc.

All these tools we use to find OUR RECOVERY from the effects of addiction have a direct and indirect advantage of positively influencing the addict to take responsibility for their own lives.

Remember, no problem ever lasts forever; it does however ask of us to make choices and take appropriate action. I took the action of attending Nar-Anon meetings and it changed my life and that of the addict forever. Today the addict in my life is in long term recovery and things have changed much for the better.

Stay positive.

$
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 Subject :New to the group$..
2015-07-22 12:01:23 
ET84
Junior
Joined: 2015-07-20 19:05:23
Posts: 2
Location: Northern Suburbs
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : New to the group$

Good day everyone!

I came across this group and really hope to get some support from you. I have an older sister that has been using alcohol, cocaine and I believe other substances over 10 years. She has never admitted to being an addict. I thought she has grown past this "phase", but after she got married (2 years ago) there has been numerous occasions where she has used and slipped. She has admitted to being an alcoholic earlier this year, but I know that her problem is far more than just alcohol. She has gone to counselors, but she manipulates everybody in thinking she has no addiction and that she will only use alcohol/drugs when she goes through a tough time. I can write a book on all the explanations of why she is using and then she won't tell certain people around her what goes on behind the scenes. Her husband is at a point where I think he is considering a divorce and I don't blame him. She has had a relapse every month of this year. Lately PMS was to blame, but she won't admit to being an addict. She has the church people that she is staying with currently convinced that her husband is making her feel abandoned and rejected and that is why she keeps falling back. What she doesn't know is that her husband told me about previous incidents where her drug dealer came to their house to deliver and she was totally out of it. On numerous occasions she would act funny and she thinks that we don't notice the change in her mood. I've reached the end of the road with her, my family is suffering because her addiction is taking over my life. It makes me feel so powerless and I'm scared what will become of her. Also afraid that she ends up overdosing on something. I guess what I would like to know from you who have been trough this is, how to from here? I want to help her without hurting myself and my family. Should I walk away and give her tough love or how can i stay involved without consuming my days and thoughts with her addiction. I want to be free of this burden that I don't want to carry anymore. I am hoping for a miracle ...

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 Subject :Re: Recognizing all the signs for relapse$$..
2015-06-21 10:58:08 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Recognizing all the signs for relapse$

Hi Leandre.

Just read your message. Apologies, but have not been on the site for a while. Can I refer you to the comment Yusuf just left in another post? I think much of what he says relates to your story too.

I do not see any reference to you attending Nar-Anon meetings, but if not, would recommend you do. I hope there are some near to you. The Meetings icon at the top has a calendar with all the meetings and the areas they in.

Personally, I found attending Nar-Anon meetings to have made the greatest difference to my life and that of the addict in my life.

In the program no one ever gives advice as each persons situation is different, but people will share with you what they have done in a similar situation and you remain free to take from that what you like.

Always remain patient that things will change. No problem ever lasts forever.

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 Subject :Re: Where are all the families??? MAKE THE CIRCLE BIGGER!!!$..
2015-06-21 10:39:23 
yusuf
Veteran
Joined: 2009-04-13 16:39:19
Posts: 92
Location: Western Cape
Forum : Coffee Anyone?
Topic : Where are all the families??? MAKE THE CIRCLE BIGGER!!!

Hi Hanelli

While my son was in active addiction, I found the natural instinct to involve myself in his life overpowering. And each time I did, I caused myself (and him) more unhappiness. Every attempt I made to gain control over what he did to himself came to nothing. And throughout this process I remained completely convinced that I knew what was good for him and found no peace in realising that all my efforts were coming to naught.

When I came to attend Nar-Anon meetings, I came across the First Step in the Nar-Anon 12 Step Program which says, "We admitted we were powerless over the addict – that our lives had become unmanageable." This reading asked me to acknowledge that I do not (as a matter of cause) know what is good for others; to give up trying to control my loved ones; to accept that I cannot expect them to live their lives according to my dictates.

As much as I initially remained unconvinced by what this asked of me, the more I started to pull back and stop interfering in everything he did, the more at peace I became. And ... the more calm (or call it less interfering) I became, the more improved our relationship became. And by no means believe that anything in his life immediately improved, but in time it improved the manner in which I (repeat ... I) communicated my feelings, my wishes, my dreams, my wants for him, to him. I think the more rational I remained, the more rational I sounded?

This process took time but as I attended meetings the acceptance that I was on the right path was strengthened by the reality that our relationship was slowly improving.

Yes, I did attend meetings even when he wasn't, but the positive changes in my life started having an influence on his, both directly and indirectly.

I see you mentioned there are no Nar-Anon meetings in your area. The closest meeting to Strand is in Durbanville or Bellville? I think but I would encourage you to find an Alanon meeting and attend these. Although the addictive substance is different, the addictive behaviour is the same and Alanon also uses the 12 Step Program.

Please try to attend as often as possible.

Wishing you all the best.

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 Subject :Re: SUCCESS STORIES.. ANYONE??$$..
2015-06-13 12:18:43 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : SUCCESS STORIES.. ANYONE??$

Hi There.

 

Can share with you though that I too felt very much the same as you in the beginning. For me, this "One Day At A Time" was a major frustration as I just could not believe that he would only promise to be clean one day (at a time). It was only after when I got to see that for him, the promise to live without his fix 'forever' would constitute a lie, but the promise to live clean 'for that day' was an achievable goal. And with lots of gratitude, he stayed true to that.

 

Today, the addict in my life is clean for more than 8 years and it all came about through a commitment to just stay clean "One Day At A Time".

 

I was fixated with the addict and everything he did or did not do. What this ultimately did was to force him to not only live with his daily struggles but mine as well. When I learnt the value of releasing my addict with love and stopped obsessing about what his doing every day, I started the journey of looking after myself and allowing him to take care of his.

 

This was not an easy road at all, came with many pitfalls and plenty doubts whether I am doing the right thing or not. I attended Nar-Anon meetings regularly and this became my saving grace.  I could share my wavering levels of discomfort with those that have walked this unhappy road before; listen to there positive shares and find solace that for me, one day this too shall pass. And so it did.

 

It all happened slowly, at my pace of growth and in the time frame I was able to allocate to practicing the principles of the program in my life.

 

I strongly recommend you find your way to the Garsfontein meeting and attend as often as you can.

 

The Nar-Anon Program does work, but you have to be willing to work it.

 

Stay strong and take action.

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 Subject :SUCCESS STORIES.. ANYONE??$..
2015-06-11 14:26:16 
Disillusioned
Junior
Joined: 2015-06-10 05:13:53
Posts: 1
Location: Pretoria, South Africa
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : SUCCESS STORIES.. ANYONE??$

It's been almost two weeks since my boyfriend confessed to me that he has continued using ever since he got caught out months ago and promised he won't ever again. I know now that I was naive to believe that it was only once since he's got a history and I was naive to believe that he could stop again all on his own.

 

He has since found a sponsor/mentor and are attending NA meetings, getting involved in church and only hanging out with more positive influences.

I honestly don't know how a relationship can work out where he now has to focus on him only according to the program - which I understand..

I feel completely lost and alone.

 

Is there anyone out there who can offer me some encouragement, some words of advice or maybe share with me a success story?

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 Subject :Re: Where are all the families??? MAKE THE CIRCLE BIGGER!!!$..
2015-06-09 14:54:04 
hanneli
Junior
Joined: 2015-03-12 09:26:33
Posts: 1
Location: Strand
 
Forum : Coffee Anyone?
Topic : Where are all the families??? MAKE THE CIRCLE BIGGER!!!

I am a new member.  My 34 year old daughter have been addicted to marijuana since she was 16 and started using oxycodin about a year ago.  She has a 6 year old son.

When she started her recovery she resigned her job and moved in with us.  She was living with a very abusive boyfriend and left him when she became sober about 4 months ago.

I am now at my wits end, because it seems she is planning to move back in with him.  I am so worried that I can't sleep.  I am mostly worried about my little grandson who was also verbally abused by this man.

My daughter believes he has changed because he had some therapy for his anger issues while she was doing her rehab.

What am I to do???  How do I stay out of it??  I need urgent advice.  There is no groups in our area, so I have not joined a group.

 

 

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 Subject :Recognizing all the signs for relapse$..
2015-06-08 10:55:00 
Leandre
Junior
Joined: 2015-06-08 08:37:41
Posts: 1
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Recognizing all the signs for relapse$

Hi

My husband has been in the NA program for 4 months.  He slipped about  a week ago.  He has now been clean again for 7 days, but I am seeing signs that a relapse is not far.  He is pulling away from everyone and always has a reason to not attend a NA meeting.  The more I ask or force the more it feels like I am nagging and doesn't help he tells me what I want to hear instead of what I have to.

I need some advice and help in how I can help without pressuring him.  And how can I stop a relapse from happening, because at the moment it feels like he is slipping through my fingers.

 

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 Subject :Re: Am I an enabler? $$$..
2015-02-24 11:04:42 
yusuf
Veteran
Joined: 2009-04-13 16:39:19
Posts: 92
Location: Western Cape
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Am I an enabler? $$

Hi Lisa25

Thanx for sharing your story. So much of what you say resonate with me. I went through much the same situation with the addict in my life.

I never understood my life as separate from his and struggled to recognise my codependency. My happiness depended on his and his drug dependency turned my experiences of happiness into convoluted and fleeting moments.

I too lost trust in him and begged for honesty, which was promised every time we talked but rarely seen in practice. I never believed for one minute that my actions were enabling him as everything I did was to help and assist him to get better. Or so I thought.

I found out about Nar-Anon Family Support Group Meetings and started attending in the hope they would teach me how to stop his using.

What I eventually learnt was just the opposite. Attending meetings became the start of a journey of self discovery that directly lead to me regaining control of MY LIFE. Finding happiness was under my control and my state of mind. And today I know and truly believe that in me regaining control of MY LIFE, I changed for the better, and in doing so indirectly forced the addict to take control of HIS LIFE. I learnt to stop suffering the consequences that were of his making.

Please find the nearest Nar-Anon meeting and attend as often as you can. It was the fundamental building block in me regaining my serenity and the start of the addict taking responsibility for his.

I do trust there are meeting close to you. If not, this forum can be an invaluable tool to sharing your experiences and getting others to share theirs with you.

Always remain hopeful that things will turn out for the better. As endless the tunnel may seem, once we take the right steps the light start to appear.

Strength, Commitment, Patience

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 Subject :Re: Do i attend nar-anon?$$..
2014-12-28 21:16:26 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Do i attend nar-anon?$

Hi Tauri.

Wow what a share. You sure went through a lot and in my understanding of your title, wondering if many of the decisions you made were right or wrong. In my opinion, the choices you made are yours. You made them and you should accept that they were what you thought right at that time. For me, the most important thing about choices are that I have come to understand that every one of them come with consequences that one has to live with as they are your choices and the consequences of those choices. Every consequence, leaves you with another choice to change direction.

 

Without wanting to go over your whole share, let me just focus on your title. Do you need to attend Nar-Anon meetings.

 

In my experience the meetings (for me) at the beginning focused on how I needed to deal with the addict; then I came to see it was more about how I needed to focus on MY LIFE so as to change the one person I have control over [MYSELF] and not my need to change the addict; most importantly it became more on how to change my REACTIONS towards the addict.

 

NOW, the meetings (for me) focus on helping me to relate to ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS in my life, with the addict only ONE person in all these relationships.

 

Truth be told, when I started to focus on MY LIFE, my relationship with the addict changed for the better and today we have the best relationship we've ever had and because I focused on MY HAPPINESS and MY LIFE independent of his, he came to understand that ONLY HE can take responsibility for his life and the direction he finally takes.

 

So in answer to your question, YES YES YES. Attend as many Nar-Anon meetings as you possibly can. I trust you will also begin to experience the power of the 12 Step Program in your life.

 

Strength, Patience, Courage.

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 Subject :Do i attend nar-anon?$..
2014-12-28 20:37:12 
Tauri
Junior
Joined: 2014-12-28 16:26:36
Posts: 1
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Do i attend nar-anon?$

Not sure if i should attend meetings or a group as I no longer see my ex- fiance (an addict) all I know is I feel like no ones really understand where I am coming from and are Judging me.

Today I was to marry my best friend J.

At this moment I sit alone whilst my family pretends that everything is fine and I am fine.

About 6 years ago I met my perfect match. A hidden treasure behind all the pain and suffering Of his past. Someone who I couldn't believed existed. My ex-fiance a heroin addict.

When we met we were the best of friends. A bond so close I never could believe it. After a year of being great friends we parted ways as things started moving the direction of a relationship that J was not ready for coming from an abusive broken home, he didn't believe relationships were meant to last. At this time he was not addicted to drugs.

I never forgot about him, but life had to move on. Long story short a year later his mother contacts me to attend his birthday she thinks it will be good for him to see me. By this time J was addicted I had no idea we got together. In the months that followed I found out he was addicted to heroin. I did so much research I spent nights reading up on heroin addiction. I made him a file with all the information on addiction and how to quit and a calendar attached so for him to decide do you want to be clean or not. I still remember him writing my road to freedom on the cover. J stayed clean for months I moved to an apartment not far from where his family stayed and this year to follow was the toughest year or so I thought.

That February J's mum took in another heroin addict who's family had no time for him. I was crazy upset cause the logic of that idea made no sense to me ...J relapsed March he quit his job.

It would usually until he had no more money to acknowledge he has relapsed. I always told him as ling as you are trying I am here. Living alone no one really knew what was happening in my life. The good and clean times were the best days of my life when the active using ones were very dark times. Only his mother knew what was happening as I spoke to her everyday.

On and off J was clean and I stayed I attended NA meetings with him as moral support once a month. That as everything else ended. I went to different rehabs with him to decide where he would feel safe as he always said addicts were abused in rehabs.

Closer to the end of this year Js mother advised that I go stay at home again as this may give him a wake up call. She also advise I sell my car. As it was one of the things that gives J access to drugs. My car at this time was in really bad shape as I allowed J to use it whilst I was at work.

End October I move back home, the what I thought was the saddest times ever. Js mother advised not to speak to him I contacted her often to ask how he was. In November J attended my graduation with me and said that he wants to go to rehab. I relayed the message to his mom. December J stared treatment on a break end December and back up until March. Where the clinical psychologist arranged a meeting with me as they were not sure at rehab that Js family members are honest about certain things. The week Js treatment was to be completed he was let go the Monday instead of the Friday. When I asked his mom why he was home she claimed it to be a long story. The nurse contacted me to bring J to rehab when I did they advised J brought heroin in to the centre and was expelled. They also advised J will not succeed in his family's home and we need to decide what we will be doing as J said we getting married once his complete d treatment.

J comes clean on and off more clean than not and asks my father for my hand in marriage we plan our wedding for today. A good relationship with his mother turns ugly real fast as she is unhappy about the marriage. Months leading up to our wedding J relapses. He stays at my parents home and manages to stay clean when he goes back home he relapses. This is how it continues. His mother threatens to tell my parents Js on drugs as my parents know of nothing and are paying for everything. I ask please don't he will be OK we will be OK. Finally she calls and tells my parents at first they don't believe it as they love him and his Been staying with us and seemed normal. Finally my dad asks him to be tested or move back home so he argues that he has nothing to prove.

I'm 27 but my parents take my phone in a bid that I do not make contact with J. They believe for an educated person I made uneducated decisions and they need To step in. My sisters are to accompany me everywhere.

Whilst at work I am in contact with J, torn and just losing my mind one day I refuse to get up. My mother books me into a centre for abused women and I stay there for a week without any contact with J. I tell him where I am going. Not much help as everyone says they same thing. You better than that. Do you want that life. His mother had yet to ask me how I am. If been in contact with his best friend after his neighbours and another friend invited me on Facebook  at the same time. I had so much anxiety and just burst out crying cause I thought they were going to tell me J was dead.

I smile when peoples around but my heart is hurt. How will i ever stop loving him, do i want to stop loving him. I dont want to forget what we had. I have never met someone more respectful of myself and women. I honestly never knew a love so great could exist.

I asked his best friend the beginning of this month how J was if his still spiralling and he just said thought they told you. J was fetched by social development and in a treatment facility. Peace of mind that he is getting help. And that his out of harms way.

I wonder, if he could he ever forgive me for staying away and abandoning him.

Apologies for the lengthy post.

 

 

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 Subject :Re: I'm hiding a gun, what now..
2014-11-19 10:31:36 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : I'm hiding a gun, what now

Truth be told, I haven't found a situation I cannot apply Nar-Anon principals to, whether it be private life or work.

In my opinion, dealing with the gun situation is non-negotiable. I would think that to deal with the question of control, one would be to get the addict to take responsibility for getting rid of the weapon or else (boundary and consequence) ... The problem with that idea is the inclusion of proof that it was dealt with to my satisfaction as I would just simply not trust. AND I would want that choice to be final, i.e. like "giving it to a friend to keep" is not good enough as it can be returned without my knowledge.

Don't think I'm critical of your action, already owned up to having no experience here, however you knowing the character, you have to make the choice which will safeguard you first. And if that requires removal as you've done, then so be it.

Just please be careful.

Personally, I would become paranoid and LOCK my door or LOCK him out or LOCK, LOCK LOCK. LOL. I assume he has a license for the thing? If so, should anyone threatening suicide be allowed a weapon? That would be a major question to my mind. I think I know my answer.

Look after yourself.

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 Subject :Re: I'm hiding a gun, what now..
2014-11-18 12:37:44 
JC
Junior
Joined: 2014-11-07 08:59:40
Posts: 4
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : I'm hiding a gun, what now

No you hit the nail on the head that's exactly what I'm trying to figure out....I think he does want to manipulate me and that's why I took the gun to begin with.....because I cant bare the thought of the addict attempting to manipulate me with suicide threats. I think I may just throw up if I allow myself to be in that situation.  I think what I'm more concerned about is that I'm trying to "control the situation". Or maybe I have become so used to letting go and realizing that I have no control over the addict that I feel uneasy stepping in.  However I suppose I must accept that this situation is more complex and that I cant strictly apply the control aspects of this program and no matter what its best to keep the gun away regardless. On a positive note, yesterday he brushed his teeth and went for a short run (among other things).  I am glad that I stepped away and allowed him to make his own decisions in those small ways, it’s like giving him a gift. I wish I could do more of that.

 

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 Subject :Re: I'm hiding a gun, what now..
2014-11-17 18:30:37 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : I'm hiding a gun, what now

Hi JC.

Shoe, to say that's a mouthful would be an understatement. Girl, you have some serious issues to deal with and you've already said it, your safety MUST come first.

Just the thought of having a gun in the home AND in the hands of someone that's known to be unstable just sounds frightening.

I have no experience to share in this respect except to reiterate the very same warnings that you've already verbalised, so won't repeat them again.

I cannot imagine living with someone who threatens to commit suicide. Here's a thought. If someone does that, (BIG) assuming they have no intention of carrying it out, is it not another way of manipulating those around them so they are treated "different" or "special" or forcing people around them to "tread on eggs" thus the (empty?) threat achieving it's objective? Just a thought.

Please look after yourself and thanx again for sharing.

You are one brave girl.

Strength.

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 Subject :Re: I'm hiding a gun, what now..
2014-11-17 13:12:45 
JC
Junior
Joined: 2014-11-07 08:59:40
Posts: 4
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : I'm hiding a gun, what now

PS - I am aware that we should always intervene when our safety or anyone's safety is in question.  I am not debating that.  I know I did the right thing in the moment.  But I'm wandering now its the next day... Plus I also just really needed to share that load.

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 Subject :I'm hiding a gun, what now..
2014-11-17 12:45:12 
JC
Junior
Joined: 2014-11-07 08:59:40
Posts: 4
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : I'm hiding a gun, what now

So I’m hiding my addicts gun….trying to figure out if it’s trying to take control of a situation (that I cannot control) or if it’s for protection.

Maybe I haven’t practiced the program enough to deal with this grey area….but everything about it feels wrong but right at the same time.

The short story is that my addict (who is my boyfriend) sometimes goes on suicide threatening sprees, it’s been a while but the ugly head was reared yesterday.

As I mentioned he moved in with me and he has been acting clean for a while although I’m not sure what happened in the move because emotionally it seems it has been too much for him to bare and he has been battling to accept this situation since day one.  I suppose I was worried for good reason.  Ok so it’s heart breaking and disappointing but never the less it is what it is.  So about the gun, I don’t have a safe so when I saw the gun on Saturday in my cupboard I hid it in a safe place.  From past experience he threatens to kill himself and even though I don’t really believe he will, I don’t take suicide threats lightly because I know that my addicts pain is huge and should he snap tragedy can happen at any moment.

When the fighting flared up he wanted his gun and then realised his gun was missing…..I knew he would intimidate me to give it up so I lied and said I left it at my parents’ house.

He left to my parents and confronted them for his gun…I don’t need to explain but I’m sure you can imagine the anger he created and rattled everyone including my parents with his rage.  My parents even went to the police and though no charges were laid they felt they had to act and I encouraged them to as I felt it was the right thing to do in the raging situation.  Meanwhile when he first left to my parents I realised that the first place that I hid the gun wasn’t safe enough so I got the gun and tried to hide it again….while I was re-hiding it he turned the car around and came back like he could smell what I was doing….thankfully I succeeded to hide it before he stormed back in.  When he came back he demanded I go with to my parents but I refused so he left for the second time in a rage again.  While he was away I left to my sister in a hurry and after I tried to calm down I honestly tried to enjoy the rest of my day by helping her and her boyfriend in the garden and we had a braai – it was nice. During the afternoon my partner sent me few messages telling me his intent to end his life …now with rope…he also begged me for his gun and told me how I don’t care etc. etc. familiar drama, I replied briefly here and there just trying to keep my head but it didn’t seem to make a difference to his actions (as this program teaches).  After the braai I came home to find him in bed and after a few small chores I had a hot bath, took a muscle relaxant, made some tea and climbed into another bed.

This morning he asked me where his gun was again, I replied telling him it is safe. He asked me when he can get it back and I said don’t know but I feel he is not calm enough and I asked if we don’t talk about this now. He didn’t respond further.

Ok so first of all I am feeling rather bruised that this drama is back and it’s in my house. This is why I left. I did not realise this kind of drama was still going on.

It feels like nothing has changed (although everything has changed). But since I’m not naïve and I didn’t expect/suspect a total recovery it doesn’t hurt so much.  I know that he is on his own path to recovery.  Enough about him.

I must admit I’m physically hurt from the stress in my body from those moments of fear. Although I did as best I could in the situation there was a brief moment yesterday when I felt like I was in a movie and I could not believe what I was suddenly involved in. I’m just not sure what to do about the gun because it feels like I’m taking control of his life which against everything in this program but at the same time I am concerned about our safety. Not only the safety but the threatening games he plays with his gun. This doesn't feel right and people like him should not be in possession of a firearm when they are not emotionally stable to have one. I have always avoided getting his gun taken away from him because of the fear that he will hold it against me....God forbid one day we actually need it for protection against criminals. But I know he should not have it at the moment, God forbid something goes wrong and that trigger goes off. I’m not sure what is more damaging....trying to control a situation that I cant or giving up a gun to someone I don't trust. Clearly I believe the latter is worse otherwise I wouldn't have hidden it. But what now I ask myself?!

 

It’s the kind of day that I’m really listening to my higher power, looking for answers and really thankful to have a place to turn to.  This just feels really big at the moment. And I'm not sure how to let this one go.

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 Subject :Re: Long Way Done But Still So Far to Go..
2014-11-07 12:03:07 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Long Way Done But Still So Far to Go

Hi JC.

Welcome back. Great to have you back. Good to see the positives in your life. And regarding the challenges, as they say, life never comes without bumps.  As crazy as it sounds, through dealing with difficulties we develop character. We can but only ask our Higher Power to keep our challenges down to manageable levels.

Have some errands to run, so chat again later.

Joe.

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 Subject :Long Way Done But Still So Far to Go..
2014-11-07 11:03:15 
JC
Junior
Joined: 2014-11-07 08:59:40
Posts: 4
Location
Forum : Open Forum
Topic : Long Way Done But Still So Far to Go

I am a long time member (September 2010) although I stopped posting due to admin problems.  I am very familiar with this programme and it did save my life a few years ago.  My addict is my boyfriend and I think he is clean although we are both still a work in progress.  So much has changed in my life for the better although I have not mastered everything.  It seems drugs are EVERYWHERE these days.  My sister has realized that her boyfriend has a problem with drugs too, something I knew but I have been patient with her recovery as she has been watching me go through mine... Now to add to this, my 18yr old nephew has alerted me to suspicions about his mother’s drug use (his mother is my other older sister)... which has confirmed suspicions I had too.

Having been down this road before, I just want to help my nephew and my sister the right way.  There is too much co-dependence going on and I also fear that I might fall into old habits.

On a positive note I have made huge progress and have moved leaps and bounds...and through the changes I have made in myself – my partner has left the world of active addiction.  I suspect a few relapses have occurred – although I realise that this is bound to happen and I trust that he will overcome them in his own time, something I have no control over.

To sum up my past – I lived in the hell much of you describe and when I joined Nar Anon my life changed, I started taking care of myself and I stopped hiding his habits and behaviour.  My journey began with my personal development.  Through this programme I managed to quit smoking, I started running (2 comrades marathons later J I have conquered mental difficulties many people only dream of), I made new friends and have learnt to cope with my job realising that I am stronger than the people I work for.  I even moved out where I was living the hell with my addict, been living on my own for 2 years…although my addict was still in my life.  I actually reached the point when I was ready to cut ties with him.  After I broke up with him he hit his rock bottom and he started to change his life……he even managed to start running (his own idea) and ran his first marathon too.  So I didn’t give up on him and I knew he didn’t want me to give up on our life together….so here we are.

To sum up the present – Two days ago my partner has moved in with me again, this time it was my idea and it was a financial decision. He has disclosed his debt to me…and he is up to his ears and I am STILL carrying us both. I could clearly see that he could not afford to live on his own and the stress of him not being able to pay his rent led to him taking loans to pay it!  I have now realised that he has a problem with money….his entire salary is debited to loan sharks!  Despite all good intentions, the dark world of debt is hanging over me like a plague!

I know that the debt is because of his past and I am willing to give him a fair chance to get over it.  However the pressure still falls on me.  Plus I am so worried about falling into old habits I feel compelled to practice this program harder than ever – I am so scared of him relapsing while under my roof and I want to make sure that I am really strong and ready to handle anything that comes my way.

With my nephew and sister having problems with their addicts I am feeling really down and angry all over again, I do not want to let hell take over again.  Hopefully I will get my sister and me to meetings and we can kill this epidemic together and can also prevent my nephew from starting his adult life with the sins of his mother.

 

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