My husband and I have been together for 10 years and been married  
 for 3. Since I have known him drugs have always been apart of his  life. He smoked weed for most of our time together and I only  found  
out a few months ago that he has been using cocaine on a regular basis for about a year, I was aware of his using but was under the  
impression it was only occasionaly and that he told me about it. In  novemeber last year he came clean to me and booked himself into  
hospital for a detox. We unfortunately do not have the funds to send him to any of the re-habs in our area, so he had been attending  

meetings everyday and getting counselling from a drug and alcohol accosiation in our town. Slowly I saw him start to deteriorate and  
he landed up relapsing 3 weeks ago. Since then he has shown no interest in getting the help he needs, he attends only 2 meetings a  
week and has stopped trying to see his counsellor. We are constantly fighting now, as I am trying everything to get him to go meetings  
and get back to his recovery but he is not interested as I can see. I am in a complete state as I know I can't live with that person who  
 uses anymore because I have experienced the clean person, but I really don't want to leave him. What type of consequenses can I put into place so that 

he doesn't take me for a fool. I feel he is still lying to me even though he says he is telling the truth.  Is there any advise that someone can give me?

I have re-posted this as I've only seen now you can't read half of it!!!

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and been married  

for 3. Since I have known him drugs have always been apart of his  life.

He smoked weed for most of our time together and I only  found  

out a few months ago that he has been using cocaine on a regular basis for 

about a year, I was aware of his using but was under the  

impression it was only occasionaly and that he told me about it.

 In  novemeber last year he came clean to me and booked himself into  

hospital for a detox. We unfortunately do not have the funds to send 

him to any of the re-habs in our area, so he had been attending  

meetings everyday and getting counselling from a drug and alcohol 

accosiation in our town. Slowly I saw him start to deteriorate and  

he landed up relapsing 3 weeks ago. Since then he has shown no interest 

in getting the help he needs, he attends only 2 meetings a  

week and has stopped trying to see his counsellor. We are constantly 

fighting now, as I am trying everything to get him to go meetings  

and get back to his recovery but he is not interested as I can see. 

I am in a complete state as I know I can't live with that person who  

 uses anymore because I have experienced the clean person, but 

I really don't want to leave him. What type of consequenses can I put into 

place so that he doesn't take me for a fool. I feel he is 

still lying to me even though he says he is telling the truth. 

 Is there any advise that someone can give me?

  Hi Bays,

First of all thanks for replying !

I read ur post and i completely understand when u say its difficult for u to live with a user and u dont want to leave him either. I know what it feels like to see your loved one change into somebody else... a stranger. in my case i felt like a monster had occupied my husband's mind& body.

I dont have an answer for your question right now , coz i know the usual ways of convincing or making somebody see the real picture seldom works  in our situations. But i will try to get some info 4 u.

Just hang in there my friend, things will change.

Hi Hope4me

 Well Since I posted this my husband has actually gone into rehab, we are trying to raise to pay it off, but it was our only option unfortunately he just got worse and worse after the relapse and we were left with no option. I am really relieved he's gone in though I feel like I can breath again for a while as things really started getting messy!!! Now I can concentrate on myself and get me better so by the time he comes out hopefully things will be a little more livable! He seems to be doing quite well in the rehab too, he told me yesterday he's quite rellieved to be able to start dealing with head, so I take it that is a good sign!

Hi Bays,

 Thats  gud news! I will pray for u both.

Finances r tough even on our side too with the rehab& recovery process but i think recovery,being clean & happy is more important. So we will just sail through these difficult times with optimism !

Usually i stay strong, but today is one of those days i feel  low, scared of the unknown........

My husband & i are married for a little less than 5yrs now. we were happy for the first 3yrs ,then i noticed there was change in attitude/behaviour frm his side, may b dat time i thought the usual phases of married life dats all. but by last year things went  really bizzare, i felt i was staying with a stranger. I suffered a lot dat yr without even knowing wat was actually happening, i was blamed for everything!The people i looked for help,turned to be not so helping !

I dont want to go into details, anyways end of last yr he revealed wat was going on. He has completed the rehab&

now is in a recovery house. 

I am taking one day at a time, there are lot of changes in my life since then. i;m more strong,more patient,am not taking my life for granted anymore , By god's grace i have few good friends who support me thru this. but to talk about the negative side - i was hurt alot & hvnt sought any kind of help. So at times those dreadful memories come back once in a while,at times i get suspicions if he is lying or cheating on me again. and i dont want to live like dat at all.

 Hey letme save my sad story for some other time !

letme put a  face

waiting to hear from u soon

Hope4me.

Hi Hope4Me

Sorry it has taken me long to reply,  life seems to have taken over now that my husband is in rehab some saneness for a while.... I understand exactly what you sayin. I'm not entirely sure when my husband changed or when the manipulation started I think long before we were married as drugs have alway been in our lives from his side. In the last ten years we have broken up twice and both times is was because I just couldn't take everything being my fault. But we always landed up back together. He seems to be doing very well in his recovery at the moment, but as usual I am so worried what is going to happen when he gets out, I know that is not the right way to think and I am trying really hard not to. I'm attending an Al-non meeting once a week which is really helping, since I've been going there I find myself being much happier and the group really helps. I must admit I do struggle with the 12 steps at the moment as I have lost my faith in a higher power, but I am trying to rebuid that currently.

I hope this finds you well.

Bays

hey its true,i;m also enjoying the sanity of the situation, slowly coming back into routine life.

Glad dat ur husband is recovering well. 

I hv started to c the man i fell in love wit, in him now a days. one thing i hv learnt is to give time as he is recovering, cant expect him to behave normal all at once. I miss him badly, especially in the evenings wen i am finished with the chores & all is silent, to talk to ,to watch tv together ( he is at the halfway house).Last nite in one of those melancholy moods , i was asking myself are u  truly happy or just going with the flow? so i decided to ( i mean atleast 4 a week),do what i feel like, dont worry about pleasing anybody else, dont let anythin or any1 hurt me.

 There is peace, love &joy now, but as u said there is this slight tint of uncertainity around at times ( dont know whether it is pessimissm or being practical to expect both sides of reality). I  also want to attend nar anon gr meetings, but i dnt hv a transport to go & i dont feel comfortable to take a cab at dat time of the evening!

I would say in my case its the "faith" in god dat has kept me from breaking down. there was even  situations where i was being forced by somepeople( the ones i mentioned in my last reply) to give up everything of mine & disappear from the scene. i believe it was god who protected me from dat unfair situation & gave the courage to still hang on.

I want to start building my life,so dat i;ll b more independent & not at the mercy of anyone. i'm thinking of studying again, but has to overcome the initial difficulties of getting back into dat track once more.

u keepwell.

Hope4me

Hi Bays,

Long time no news from u. Hope u & ur hubby r keeping well.

Hi Hope4me

I'm sorry for not replying, but life just seemed to swoop me up and as bad as it is I have not had time to come online. Well my husband is now out of rehab and back at home, he has been home for 2 months now and wow that took some getting used to. I was happy he was home but not happy for the mess he brought with him hahaha meaning actual mess.

It has taken a while to adjust to him being there again and I was so scared of falling into old patterns which was so easy. Things had been going well and then you could say I had a sort os a relapse as it were, just a quick read through of some personal papers of his and came across something about our past that has truly hurt me. It seems I have now opened a big can of worms for myself and I'm struggling to keep my temper intact with what I read. I have broken his trust and he has kept something from that is vitally important to our whole relationship. I approached him about what I had read and he has told me it is not true it is just an excercise they had to do in rehab, but I am so worried that he is still lying I am not sure how to proceed with what I know, but the one thing I have realised is that I need to keep doing my programme. I have still been going to meetings but other then that I have hardly been applying my programme to my life, I haven't been working on my steps and occasionaly I read the liturature offered which is not often enough.I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason a maybe I was meant to have that relapse to get me back onto my programme I just wish it hadn't hurt so damn much!! The other thing I keep telling myself is that he can't be  blamed for all the wrongs in the past as he was not of sound mind most of the time, and that the person he is now is the true person that loves and cares for me. That's all that should matter, that he has chosen to spend his sober life with me.

I hope you are well, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Strength

Bays

Bays

My heart goes out to you! Just keep working your program the answers will come when they must. I to grapple with this and despite it sounding easy I know it is way hard to put into practice. But just keep going back to your program....it works if you work it so work it cause you worth!

Stay strong!

Hi Bays,

I am sorry my friend

The execise book.....................i can understand ur struggle & pain.

The hurt i went thru wen i read dat book, the things written thre,ho the pain it caused me..............my friend how i coped with dat or sometimes still trying to cope is praying, reminding me of how the lord has forgiven me, and its nt my call to judge , i hv left it in his hands. its not easy , its damn difficult, but i tell u try it for ur sake. bcoz its eating u, giving u unhappiness, u dont deserve it. try to let go of the bitterness ( veryhard,  but possible)  things dat happened or said or done cant b changed, but v can make a difference by letting it not haunting us. as  Robyn says this too shall pass.

Keep faith

To hope4me and Robyn

Thanks for the words it always helps knowing that you are not going through this alone, and every day is getting better. I scream at myself a lot in the mirror telling that little voice of over analizing to go away and every day slowly but surely it is goin. I'm trying to concentrate on the here and the now not the past or the present which is not easy but I will get there. all that matters right now is that I love the person I am with.

Hi Bays

You have that totally right, focusing on the hear and now. A slogan that is often quoted in meetings comes to mind for me Just for Today when things were really tough my sponser tells me just for this second; just for this minute; just for this hr and before you know it you have survived another day despite the pain; anger; confusion; frustration and sadness! When it's in that tough time just say which ever is appropriate for that time, it really worked for me.

The over analysing voice I can totally relate to but another good slogan is Let Go and Let God cause really; no matter how much I analysed my situation; my addicts behaviour; the reason why it didnt' change anything except to darken my mood and day and make life seem so much harder.

 Thinking of you!