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 Subject :Theresa's Story..
2009-10-22 10:23:34 
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Junior
Joined: 2009-01-24 07:20:07
Posts: 3
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I've been with my husband for 8 years, we've been married for 5. Our relationship is slowly starting to heal from the damage we've both done.

When I met my husband he was using drugs but I believed it was a phase he was going through and as most of my friends were using, didn't think too much about it.

Things started changing. We no longer had an active social life and pretty much isolated ourselves from our large circle of friends. My husband started using at home and soon all we ever did was stay at home and spend all our money on drugs.

Our relationship deteriorated rapidly. My husband was suspicious of every man I spoke to and as a result when we were together I rarely spoke to or made eye contact with any men for fear he would start interrogating and accusing me. I think back to those times now and cannot believe how I repeatedly made excuses for speaking to men.

We seemed to constantly fight about the state of our relationship and money. I always felt like I was at fault even though in our arguments I vehemently defended myself. When I was alone I secretly felt responsible for all that went wrong. My self esteem took a major dive. I look back on those years as a very dark and lonely time. I felt so restricted, yet I placed those restrictions on myself by choosing to stay in the relationship. Without realising it I started to change things about myself that would make me easier to live with. I stopped wearing certain clothes, stopped calling friends.

I remember one night we had decided to go out with friends (not a regular occurrence) and we had agreed to meet at a particular place. My husband did not bother to get proper directions and we got lost - I started nagging and eventually we decided to go home - I was disappointed and continued nagging and he slapped me across the face. Our friends eventually arrived at out place and I struggled to hide my swollen lip from them. I can still remember the humiliation and shame I felt and how stupid I felt when I tried to make excuses.

My husband started using more cocaine and drinking heavily. he used to pick me up at work and he started arriving later and later - sometimes we'd go to the bar at work and he'd play pool and have a few drinks. he drank almost everyday. one day, a particularly hot summer's day he cam to fetch me and commented that the dress I was wearing was too revealing and accused me of having an affair. The accusations and questions continued all the way home. he had had quite a lot to drink and we argued, he said I didn't love him, started cutting up the dress I had worn that day, breaking my perfume bottles and throwing empty beer bottles against the wall. We were living with my mother at the time and my mother who had suffered through an abusive marriage was in a state. My husband tried to strangle me, repeatedly asking if I loved him. My mother became hysterical and screamed at him to leave me alone. He eventually let go of me.

I asked him to leave - I'd had enough. He left and I received a call late that night from a rehabilitation centre, saying he had booked himself in.

The period he was in rehab was a difficult time for me. Just when I thought I'd managed to get away from him, I was confronted with the fact that he had the disease of addiction. During this time I had a brief affair with a guy at work. I still don't know why I did it. When my husband returned home he found out about the affair and again physically abused me. Once more I had to lie about my swollen lip. We decided to go for marriage counselling.

Our relationship continues to be difficult but things are changing. my husband's been clean for a couple of years, he's in therapy and works a 12 step programme I go to meetings and try to work my own programme. I have ever since his first day out of the clinic. The meetings are my safe haven. I feel accepted and without them I would not have had the courage to change, to work on my issues, to grow. For a long time I shifted the focus off our relationship and onto me. I've stopped playing the victim. I've met amazing people at my meetings. I no longer isolate when I'm in a bad space. I reach out and call someone when I'm in need. I feel comfortable with these people because I know they understand and won't judge me. I've grown so much in the 3 years I've been going to NarAnon meetings. Its been a slow process but an exciting and sometimes daunting one. I am learning things about myself and slowly accepting and even loving myself. This has not been a smooth process as my husband and I getting used to the changes in each other. I now know that I am the most important person. I need to take care of myself before I can contribute to any other relationship.
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