Hi Yusuf,

is the mini convention happening in Capetown??

Nar Anon Areas meet monthly on a Saturday between 2PM and 4PM at the Observatory Community Centre, Cnr of Collingwood and Rawson Roads, Observatory.

The next meeting is scheduled for Saturday 18th September 2010

All Portfolio Members and Meeting Group Representatives are required to attend the meeting.

All meetings are open to all Nar Anon members

CUThere.

Greetings All.

Nar Anon is planning a Mini Convention for Saturday 23rd October 2010. The venue has been confirmed as the Grassy Park Nar Anon meeting venue, Cafda Complex, Eighth Avenue, Grassy Park. The program, date and final timelines will be updated as soon as the organising committee finalises the last details.

All Nar Anon Members are wellcome. Please diarise the date. Share this information with all members.

Watch this space.

My situation was very similar 2 urs, only difference that I have a child whos an addict. My life was in such chaos it ruined me emotionally. I struggled 4 months trying 2 com 2 terms with his addiction. I feel ur pain, anguish and feelings of helplessness. I struggled 2 get him off the drug 4 months without any success. Every time I suspected he used, we would argue, he made me feel guilty 4 not trusting him, we would fight some more & then he used that occasion as another excuse 2 use once more. Eventually a counsellor suggested we get him into a rehab as trying 2 reason with some1 "while he’s still active was impossible" his words.  I forced him Into a rehab where he spent a few months. Life without him was such a blessing, finally peace, I never wished for him to return. When that eventuality finally came all the old anxieties returned, the worry, concern, another roller coaster emotional nightmare, will it again be same old, same old. I attended some joint meeting with him at the rehab and his counsellors advised me to attend Nar Anon (family support meetings) myself. I leant such a lot from those joint sessions. Although I did not believe I needed support - I did not have a problem, he did - I reluctantly went. By the time he returned, I came to understand a few important things, something u 2 mentioned in your mail. He needed to break the 'pattern' of life he previously lead, had to concede to live by certain boundaries & attend NA regularly. The Nar Anon meetings became my life saver. I learnt a lot at those meetings & became stronger in my commitment 2 get my own life under control. Things r not always easy, but then when did the easy way ever bring good results? I encourage u 2 find a Nar Anon meeting 4 urself and do encourage ur spouse 2 attend NA. I think addicts should get even greater support from those meetings then I did at Nar Anon. Today my son is in long-term recovery & our relationship is getting better all the time. I can now c how possibly making changes in my own life was possibly the key 2 breaking his cycle of addiction. Trust you can find some hope in this. Have faith. Always believe. All things shall pass. Work on your own recovery. The tunnel is long, but there is light at the end.

Dear Nawaal

I feel the same way about the emotional issues with regard to the relationship, but I seem to be getting over that slowly but surely. I undestand exactly what you saying about not trusting now that he has relapsed. It hurts thinking like that because it is so hard to break old patterns since before they stopped using. I find myself keeping check on him again, why is he sniffing? Are his pupils dilated? Is his heart beating faster? I am so sick of thinking these things, and that is when I try to remember that I cannot control him, he has told me he is not using again and I have to trust him for now that he is not lying to me, for my own sanity. This is far easier said then done, but I do try. I also try and think to myself if he has gone back to using who's life is he really making more difficult and the answer is always the same.... His own!!! I know I am doing my best to work my own programme, so if he can't do the same the only person that will truly suffer at the end of the day is him. he stands to loose far more then I do. I hope this is not a selfish attitude to have but it is his addiction at the end of the day and only he can do what he sees as right... :)

I hope you are feeling better,

I am in the exact same situation as you are and do not know how to handle it. My husband had been clean for 7 months and just relapsed last 2 weeks ago. I cant understand why he would and although he says it was an isolated incident and he made a mistake I don’t know if I can believe that. If he is still using he would obviously lie so that’s why I don’t believe him. I hate living like this and I know that by staying in the marriage this is exactly how my life will always be. I live in fear of a relapse and can barely cope because I feel as if im on the point of anxiety attacks. It’s a horrible life

You did the right thing there is nothing we can do to prevent it

My husband has an emotional dependancy on our relationship and I have issues that I cant get over which is ruining our relationship

sigh

 Hi Bays,

I know its hard to watch our dear ones relapsing, hey i hv seen it many times. i also did kind of same thing u did.

atfirst he used to tell me wen he relapsed but latr didn but i cud make  out wat was goin on. i usually dont question ,or keep the conversations to the minimum as required( like supper is ready......) bcoz i also believe there is no point in talkin to someone wen they r high.i hv realised dat i am not responsible for his actions but i am responsible for mine,my happiness,my life.he was relapsing?? or shud i say using until one day i guess he took too much & he started hallucinating in the night.luckily my child was fast asleep,she didn see or hear anythin, i didn knw wat to do in the middle of the night,i tried to get help frm his family but they didn wana get involved anymor.then i calld some1 who has got experirnce wit these situations,she advised me hw to handle the situation, bless her! Dat night also i didn argue wit him,just listend.....i only spoke next day evening wen i cud c he was sober, i tld him dat situation is getting worse & also abt how his family;s stand on things,and dat i lov him but i;ll b forced to leave him if this continues for sake of my sanity and my child's. with the grace of god i managed to handle the situation.

Dear i think wat u did is right,i cant thnk of anythin else to say or do wen he is high, wat v as spouses can do is to support  ,but i thnk wat is very important is looking aftr ourselves, our safety, our sanity. i hv left dis situation to god

i hv heard attending meetings r very helful,( though i hvnt attended one myself).

to live each day in the fear of relapsing is terrible, i am been thre. i take one day at a time ,tomorrow is anothr day.

look aftr urself friend,pray to god to gv u wisdom,ask him to guide u thru dis phase of ur life .

keepwell

Hi Angel - Eyes

I know what you are saying! It is terribly hard to do what you must (whatever that may be) and yes there are no musts in Nar Anon but well I can only explain in sharing my experience really. I left my husband a few months ago and even though I love him very much and want to be there for him and save him and all of that I realized that all I was doing was hurting myself and hurting him to so I decided with my head and not my heart to do what was good for me. And I cried and felt emotionally void and just empty inside and then eventually empty in my head cause only when i started to focus on me did I realize how much time I spent thinking about and worrying about him. Me leaving i have come to learn does not deminish how much I love and care for him it was just the only way I could Let Go and Let God.

For a while and still sometimes today I feel that I am hard and that I deserted him but for me I just remember how deserted I felt and how alone I felt in the relationship and it affirms for me that I made the best possible choice for me. We are all different in how we deal with things, feel things and such. And time along with the support of member of your meeting group and your Higher Power will get you to where ever it is that you are meant to get to.

As my sponsor says cry leka when you need; feel what you feeling and just hang in there.

Stay strong and keep going back it works if you work it so work it cause you worth it!

Hi Robyn,

Thanks for the encouraging words.  I have been going to naranon meetings since February 2010.  I should add I probably would not have the courage to be so strong and chase the addict out of my place if it wasn't for the meetings.  Will be attending a meeting tonight.  All I can do now is taking it day by day.

Although my loved one is now out of my home, I still have contact with her and I do know that I need to end that as well, but somehow I want to hold on.  A part of me still want to fix her, although I know I am powerless over her addiction and that I have to let go and let God.  It's so easy to say those words in the meetings, but in reality is very difficult.  I am trying my best and yes I do feel guilty, guilty that I have become such a hard person, guilty that I do not want to enable her anymore, guilty for so many things that have not even been my fault.

It's been 5 days since she left, and I miss her so much.  I still think about her 24/7. I do not know what's worse me seeing that she used and telling lies about it or me not knowing where she is and when shes using. I got to let go, I got to let go, but it's not that easy! 

Hi angel - eyes....I can feel the pain in your words so profoundly and remember feeling so much like that. Even though you say that you are done and that it's over you still need support to deal with the pain you have; are and still will experience. I can only suggest that you attend a meeting when you are ready to do so, the support you will find there will move you through what ever it is you need to go.

Stay strong my thoughts are with you.

P.S I don't know if you will or are eperiencing guilt about what you feeling but please know that many of us have been there and felt much as you have because the disease of addiction breaks us also if we do not have the tools knowledge and support to deal with it.  TRY TO GET TO A MEETING ASAP! 

Hi There. You are right when you say 'long post' wow, but that is no problem. I am sure the share would have to get some of the load off. There are so many things you mentioned that you've done and now regret doing, so that’s very positive. Glad you realised some of your own mistakes. Now for the strength to do something positive about them.

Your post is called "Advice Please", but this is the one thing I cannot give except to say "GET TO A NAR-ANON MEETING AS SOON AS YOU CAN. That is where I found the strength, courage, support, wisdom, life style lessons and mainly the serenity to finally live my life independent of the addict. Long story, but after learning the hard lessons of not allowing myself to be manipulated, to stop enabling the addict, understanding his illness but leaning to not accept the consequences and a much clearer way of communicating with the addict (other than my bash, boom, bang method) I started to regain control of my life and would like to believe this had a positive effects on the addict. In a nutshell, I came to learn that ‘Example is not the best way of influencing others, but the only way’. Today I try to live that example and the effects it has had on my addict is amazing.

We tried many other methods before finally getting to realise that the only way of getting the addict to act straight would be firstly get him OFF DRUGS so he can think straight. The only way we could achieve that was to get him away from drugs, and the rehab was the best way to achieve that. We found a rehab that used the 12 Step program (used by AA, NA and so many others) and booked him in (its best if they choose to go into rehab as you then ‘hopefully’ have upfront buy-in).

So when you say ‘where do I start’, in my own experience, we tried many ways and finally, after learning the hard way, booked him into a rehab that started the program that lead to his recovery. While in rehab, we attended Nar-Anon meetings, gained a far greater understanding of addictive behaviours and our role in the perpetuation of them. Today, he is in long term recovery and we are all moving closer to that light at the end of the tunnel.  I can only but hope some of what I shared can be of use to you. Have faith, the tunnel might seem long and dark, but there is light down there.

I’ve lost, you’ve won.  I thought I could help her, I believe she would change. 

For 60 days she didn’t need you, she needed me and it felt so good. 

I should have known that as soon as I am at ease you will attack.

You called her, she answered, and you ask her to come over.

She went, not even thinking ‘bout me. 

What is wrong with me, why do she find you more desirable then me?

You no good, you trash, I do not understand?

You’ve taken so much from us already, what more do you want. 

You made her lie you made her steal.  You took her away from me.

She gave you everything, even her heart and soul.

My love for her couldn’t keep her from you.

You know what; you can have her. 

I no longer wanna be part of this charade. 

I claim defeat. I don’t wanna be in her life anymore.

I want to be her all, not just her mistress, to carry her when she falls.

All I feel now is emptiness deep inside.  The hurt of loosing her will probably still come.

But until such time, I have to say goodbye.

All I can do now is pray. Pray that she will be ok.

Pray that someday she will realize you are trash.

Pray that someday she will hear God’s voice calling her.

Pray that someday she will become the person that she was meant to be.

Now I close the curtain. Now I just wanna live again,

not care and worry about her and you every single day of my life.

Hi Snow

I hope you are ok for today. I hear your words and feel as though it is me a few emotional months ago. Every single thing you describe I can totally relate as all of us can to some degree on this site. You have found the right space to say all that you need to so that you can begin YOUR healing process. Snow I hear so much of my present and past self in your story because I too felt that I had to do something, that I had to get the ball rolling and then fighting hard to get it going and then being made to feel guilty cause maybe I'm just blowing things out of proportion or making things worse and pushing to hard and for me in some ways I was but the thing is I was trying to push someone else into doing what I thought was right and good for them.

I love my husband still but I now realize and am still realizing that I cannot bring about a change in him of any kind and all that he needs to do is want enough and do what he has to himself. Even though I love him and want the best for him I only hurt myself by continuing to do what doesn't work. One of my favourite sayings I have come to learn is '.......doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity....." and man was I insane.

But that insanty helped me reach out and accept help and find the rooms of Nar Anon and there at every meeting I feel understood, safe, accepted, able to speak my heart and able to hear what ever it is that I needed to hear on that day that my higher power wants me to hear. Stay strong Snow but most importantly get to the closest meetiing and start your healing. Everything is not perfect and it's not supposed to be and my husband is where he is but today I'm alright mostly and am able to Let him go and Let God. Only he can do for himself and as much as I may miss him the Nar Anon program gave me the realizations and strength to be honest and acknowledge my situation for what it was; not what I thought is should be and believed I could make it be. 

Stay strong

Hi Snow,

no u dont sound pathetic at all ! v all go through dat phase, so its just the phase. i had been there................ emotionally distraught, helpless,low self esteem,angry, but my friend i grew from there to b strong, patient,supportive,mature wife & mother with the grace of GOD.

I was also blamed by him for everythin, i felt so sad & angry at dat time ( i wasnt aware of his addiction then), but i hv learnt dat they tend to find blame ,say bitter things....

u shud try to learn not to get affected by these( its difficult but u will get the hang of it),

wen u hv a talk as i said b4 b calm , tell wat u think abt the situation, he may try to argue, or find blame or refuse to acknowldge the problm or may even seek help . anyways u dont lose ur calm b in control. I dont think fighting  help the situation .

B happy, things will change, u r strong. u hv a precious child,enjoy life. pray to god ,he will hear u my friend.

cheer up

takecare

HI Emotionally drained, I have some idea of what you are going through. I think the worse is that its so hard to believe that they will give up all the good things they have, for the drug. BUt I guess that is why its considered a desease.

Where are your parents? Do you have some support from them or friends, also to help with the baby?

Good luck, be strong. I am also going through a trying time but know we have to only look forward. This, too, shall come to pass, even though it seems hard to believe

Thank you for the reply Hope4me. I needed to hear that.

I just dont know how to brace the topic with him, at the moment I am very emotional and low, I find it hard to concentrate on work, eat, sleep, as the only thing I am thinking about is how to best handle the situation and knowing that something needs to be done.

I couldnt handle to be shouted at and given the blame, as he often does when I try to talk about it. I must sound so pathetic. Previous times I would get so angry at him, but this time is different. I just feel sad. I am scared he will choose it above us, or something. Yet I cant continue on this emotional rollercoster either, and know I have to protect myslef and our boy.

Thanks again though.

x